Walk with Me

Happily.

2011-12-29T21:11:00.004-05:00

Eleven months have passed since my last post. In that time my 2- and 3-year-olds turned to 3- and 4-year-olds. Maiya mastered potty training in about a second and timidly started preschool several months later. Haven started to clearly write his name and started his second year of preschool. They are both dancers, and they are best friends. Haven sings almost nonstop, his feature hit is the Lion King theme over and over. And over. And over again. Maiya is confident about what she wants in almost every situation. Haven has an unbiased love for all electronics and Maiya has an equally liberal love for puppies. I could write facts about these two forever. You might stop reading, but I wouldn't even notice.

There are two new members in our family. One is about 9 months old, one is unborn. One has ears that hang low, the other has ears which are developing. This time last year Dave and I were deciding if we would add a puppy or a baby to our family. We decided on both. We like to live on the wild side. What's a little chaos when there's plenty of love, right? It turns out that it's still chaos. But not the worst kind.

Nobody mentioned to me exactly how different a third pregnancy would be. I not longer believe that certain pregnancy experiences indicate a girl or a boy. I've had both and this is a whole new experience. Perhaps God is fashioning just the third child I planned. The one with the easiest traits from Haven and Maiya plus sleeps like a champ. No? You don't think that God is creating a human being based on what is easiest for me, the mother? It's not all about me?

Anyway. I wasn't really expecting my body to find new and exciting ways to surprise me. After an emergency c-section in which the epidural failed and then getting pregnant with Maiya about a breath (or 7 months) after Haven's birth, I thought my body had offered me enough stories to tell. Most things with this pregnancy are for girls nights only (or for endlessly complaining to my husband while he patiently smiles and nods), but I will share that the doc recommended a maternity belt to help hold my belly in a normal place. You see, nobody suggests a maternity belt when your tummy muscles are being stretched for just the first time. Or the second. I mean really. I need a belt to hold up my belly? Awesome. Good thing I did all that abdominal strength work last year. T-o-t-a-l-l-y worth it. Unfortunately and fortunately the maternity belt does make me more comfortable. God bless those of you with four, five and six children. Really. No sarcasm. May God bless you.

That is the snapshot of our now. It is lovely. Well, at least it is lovely right now. At night. When the loudest members of the family are sleeping. We watched Cinderella tonight and I remember the first time I saw it. I was captured with the idea of true love and happily ever after. I really couldn't wear glass slippers at this point, but I like what my happily looks like.

Bedtime

2011-02-05T19:02:00.005-05:00

Yesterday my little boy turned 4 years old. At his bedtime tonight, I read Oh the Places You'll Go! as he fell asleep. His head was on my shoulder and he pressed the Xbox Lego Batman game case to his chest.

"I'm going to cuddle with Lego Batman tonight," He explained, as we curled up in his bed.

I have never read Oh the Places You'll Go!, nor have I ever cried myself through a children's book quite so much. Haven was tired from partying late into his birthday night yesterday, so he was asleep before I read "...except when you don't, because sadly you won't, I'm sorry to say so but sadly, it's true that bang-ups and hang-ups can happen to you" which is good. Because all I could think about was how this book is often a graduation gift. One day my boy will be turning 18 and not 4. He will trot out into the world and sometimes things will go well for him and sometimes they will not. One day there will be bigger successes, but there will also be bigger disappointments. I gulped back tears as I finished the book.

I remember after our many talks during my childhood my Dad would often sum up with, "I just really love you, hon" as his eyes welled with tears. At the time I thought crying was a strange reaction to telling me he loved me. But I get it now.

So, here's to ups and downs and supporting one another. And a little happy dance that Haven turned 4 (and not 18) yesterday.

Few thoughts...

2011-01-26T13:50:00.005-05:00

I love reading this blog. It might have something to do with the two main characters. I'm a little bit in love with them. My favorite times with them are reading before bed and having dance parties. I also really love the moment Haven sees Maiya and I when we pick him up from preschool. He runs to us, hugs and kisses us.

Life is a little busy, but I spend my days with a 2 and 3 year old, so they have a way of slowing life down. It takes a half hour to get shoes and coats on and walk to the car. In the few hours a week that I'm not with them, I have two part time jobs: therapist and teacher. Both of these jobs are hauntingly similar to motherhood in that they require a level of patience and insight that I am constantly reaching deeper into myself to find.

Efficiency is sort of the theme of my life. Instead of trying to get more of everything, I'm trying to better manage what I already have. The reality is that we have enough for right now. Enough money. Enough space in our house. Enough time. And yes, enough kids. Could we enjoy more of all that? Sure. But I understand now why God wants us to manage small things before we have more.

More soon.

Just another day in para ... oh gotta go!

2010-09-01T13:22:00.004-05:00

It didn't seem crazy straighten Haven's room. Several nigths in a row I had shoved piles of plastic toys to the side so to avoid punctured feet when he got out of bed. Those piles were growing and climbing my to-do list.

In a frenzy I divided plastic food, plastic pots, potato head appendages and matchbox cars into various baskets. These kids aren't getting this stuff back until they ask, are well supervised and immediately clean it up! I decided idealistically.

Halfway through my reorganization of Haven's toys, I called out, "Maiya, what are you doing?"

"I'm wiping Boots' heinie." Her monkey, Boots, often needs extensive hienie wiping after Maiya herself needs the same.

"Haven, where are you?"

"I'm painting my nails."

Halt to-do list. I ran around until I found my 3-three-old hunched over his white toe nails with a bottle of white-out in hand.

At this point I will note that I have decided that yelling, screaming or raising my voice is not the type of parental practice I wish to further perfect. Like 911, it is to be use strictly in emergency situations and not for general chit chatting. In other words, just the day before I had decided that I would not yell anymore. It's not nice. Nobody likes to be yelled at. I am trying my hand at talking in a calm, cool voice. Should be interesting.

So, instead of letting out the, "what are you doing?!" that was raising in my throat, I smiled, took a breath, and grabbed the camera. I then extracted the white out from Haven's hand and returned it to the junk drawer from which it came (you know, in case he needs to touch up at a later date). Then Haven and I learned that white out does not come out with soap and water.

This is why, when over coffee Danna told me she recently spent four uninterupted hours cleaning her house, I could be nothing but envious (I mean, happy for her).

I never considered the great luxury of completing a to-do list until I became a mom.

Two Maiya Stories

2010-06-27T07:31:00.004-05:00

We made a horrible mistake. We let Maiya watch Chicken Run. Well, we let her watch about 10 minutes of Chicken Run, until she was puckering her lips, whimpering, "It's kinda scary, it's kinda scary" in a high-pitched voice. We turned it off, but she still remembers.

She found the Chicken Run case and was walking around the house with it. Processing. I heard her say, "It's kinda scary ... guy not nice ... say stupid ... " and in the most gentle, compassionate voice, "hurt somebody's feelings."

(I told Haven once that stupid is not a nice word and it could hurt somebody's feelings. He has made it his personal mission to correct anyone who uses the word. Maiya has joined the mission.)

So, last night we watched Toy Story 2. As soon as I said, "it's movie night!" Maiya looked at me with a quivering lip and said, "We watch Chicken Run?" No, Maiya, no, you will never have to watch Chicken Run again. We talked about Toy Story 2. She asked "where's Daddy?" I told her he was grilling some chicken. Whoops.

"Chicken Run?!"

So ... would anyone like our copy of Chicken Run?

On to the second story, which exemplifies our parenting skills a little better. Or at least Dave's.

Since she was born, Maiya has had a favorite blankie. She sleeps with it, she chews on it, she adores it. She loves it so much that even though I do sneak it into the laundry, it has a lingering smell. The corners turned colors, so we cut them off. Still, it is much more nasty than cuddly to the outside viewer.

Enter Dave. He found the same blankie on ebay and promptly ordered it. When it arrived I was sure it was the wrong one, as bright pink and soft as it was. But it had the same white edge I vaguely remembered from Maiya's infancy and the same "Thank heaven for little girls" message embroided on a satin square in the middle. I put it in the laundry.

When Dave got home we slipped her original blankie into a good hiding spot and put fluffy blankie on the couch. When she found it she immediately put it in her mouth, backed up, tasted it again, backed up, straighted it out to see the design and said, "What's that?" We told her that was her blankie. She stuffed her face into it, picked it up, and off she went. Success!

Spring Fever

2010-04-16T22:00:00.004-05:00

It seems as if I've abandoned this space, but I have always liked abandoned spaces so here I am. In the five months since I last posted, I survived winter. I showed my children how to survive it. On a few, select days, we even enjoyed it. However, winter is a space in time which I am happy to have abandoned.

As beautiful as our neighborhood is in the summer, it is desolate in the winter. There is some beauty in the desolation, but as a stay at home mom (yes, I've accepted the term), loneliness is always lurking. I cannot say that I did not spare a few tears over the mounds of snow we had piled on our little street. I cannot say that there were not a few days we went out when should have stayed home. Strange how Target can become a refuge.

But Spring is here and Hallelujah! Just today Haven and I had peppermint tea and chocolate on the deck. He then played in the sandbox while I reclined in a chair, remembering that I love my life.

I was hired as a therapist. My first interview was in December. I cannot start until "The Board" (read the meanies at the state of New Jersey, one of whom yelled at me just yesterday) approves my "Plan of Supervision" which could take another month, or two, or three. All of that mumbo jumbo to say that it takes a lot of red tape to be a therapist. What I have actually earned is a Masters in Paper Work. So, it could be 6 months from my first interview to my first client.

Maiya has begun to talk to me constantly. Her voice is raspy and she ends most statements with, "right?" like a true Jersey Girl. For example, "That's mine, right?" or "It's time to eat, right?" She can make the tree shake when she screams 'no' and she would spend an entire day throwing rocks into the lake if I had the patience to sit there.

The most significant accomplishment of winter, aside from sheer survival, was potty training. Haven is now a proud user of the potty. We started on New Year's day and were pretty much done - I define success loosely - by Valentine's Day. Be skeptical of anyone who tells you that potty training can take 2 or 3 days. Haven was a good sport and I was too - again defining success loosely. During the process I shed a few tears, but none of them were sentimental for diapers. Haven learned to pee and poop in the toilet and I learned that his successes and failures are not mine.

I have felt rather gleeful on days with nice weather. I will wrap up with a short conversation Haven and I had at dinner:

Me: I had fun with you guys today! I had fun getting you dressed, I had fun going for a walk, I had fun eating lunch, I had fun playing with you [on and on and on] and I'm having fun right now!

Haven, watching me like I'm crazy: ... I not that happy.

Help me, please!

2009-11-12T14:49:00.007-05:00

Maiya wakes up almost every night. She is 16 months old and I'm totally over it. What I have been doing (judge me if you wish) is giving her a bottle of warm milk, rocking her while she drinks it and then putting her in bed. She goes right back to sleep.

You might suggest that I give her water and I will tell you that I have tried that. She drinks it and then screams hysterically when I put her to bed.

Sometimes we think she wakes because she's hungry. She tends to be a picky eater and by principle I try not to cater to picky eaters (at least not to those under 3 feet tall). So, sometimes she does not eat much for dinner and we don't generally eat dessert. It stands to reason that she could be hungry by 2 o'clock in the morning. So what is the solution? Some nights I put whatever food in front of her that I think she will eat (generally all things pasta), sometimes I stick to my guns.

On the nights that she eats plenty and still wakes up, I often think that she is teething, cold or has soaked through her diaper. These thoughts make it impossible for me to leave her to cry it out.

On my strong nights, I have tried letting her cry. This worked with Haven. Maiya, however, gets extremely worked up and when I finally go in it takes ages to calm her.

Maybe it will work if I just leave her. Maybe I'm being more of a baby than she is.

Ideas, anyone?

2009-11-08T15:47:00.005-05:00

There are so many babies and pregnancies around me. It's beautiful and exciting. Hopeful.

But it doesn't give me That Feeling. You know, the desire to make Maiya a big sister.

Yesterday I attempted to sell a truck load of baby stuff at a yard sale (it didn't sell, which I choose to believe is not a sign). More than a few people said, "but what about when you have another?" To be honest, those words make me feel a small amount of panic. I did not sleep through the night from some time during 2005 until some time during 2008. Actually, we're almost to 2010 and Maiya still often wakes for some middle-of-the-night quality time. In addition to the lack of sleep, these kids need a lot of pricey things like clothes, shoes, food, diapers and child care (which in our case, comes in the form of my unemployment) to keep them going. And let's talk about the time - it takes me months to get through books. I renew library books until I'm not allowed to any more. These kids have dramatically impacted pretty much every area of mine and Dave's life.

DO NOT get me wrong. I cannot overstate my sheer thankfulness that I was able to get pregnant and give birth to our children. I cannot overstate the amount of joy that their laughter, development and fat faces bring to me.

It might be that I so desperately want to do a good job that I can't imagine adding another infant to our mix at this point. I know my limits, and despite what I might hope you think of me, I am the opposite of super woman. (I know that we serve a super God, though, so should another one come, I'm sure He'd be happy to give us the grace we'd need.) I want to give H and M all of the one-to-one time they would like. I want them to be well-disciplined and confident. I'm sure I want all of the things any decent parent wants, I just so often feel like they're just barely getting those things now...

My need for more time might be less altruistic, though. It might just be that I'd like to look like a semblance of my pre-baby self at some point it time soon. Pregnancy and sleep deprivation were unkind to both my skin and my hair.

Anyway, back to Number Three. I imagine that Haven and Maiya's intensive newborn-baby-toddler stages will not last for the rest of my child bearing years (or so people who have made it through this phase have told me). I do hope that someday our family will grow. However, we'll be waiting until the sight of a new born baby doesn't fill me with the thought, "wow, that child is adorable, but better you than me."

ps - I say all of this and then I upload photos from Haven's (top) and Maiya's (bottom) babyhood. I forgot how cuddly they were...

If I would, I'd be a writer...

2009-11-02T13:31:00.005-05:00

I think that one day I will sit down and write a book. It's my dream. It was my dream before I had the dream to be a counselor or a mother or a wife or any other role that I might undertake. I used to hand write pages and pages of stories, curled up on my bed. Anytime I mention this to Dave he rolls his eyes. He's tired of waiting for me to stop talking about writing and start writing. It's just that so many other things take my time.

It isn't actually time that is the issue. We make time for whatever is important to us.

You're supposed to write what you know. I'm familiar with plenty of topics, but one of the things I've lived and breathed my entire life is Christianity. I've seen so many versions of it and so many people who are convinced that they are right. I'm convinced that I am right, but since I am part of this tolerant generation, I will say that I'm convinced that I'm right for myself. And with that statement I've offended an entire wing of Christians.

Anyway, if I do write anytime soon, I will write about my experience as a Christian. I will write about how so much of my Christianity has been about following rules but that the deepest parts are more real to me than my own skin. I will write that some of the charismatic things I experienced as a child were sheer drama, but some was passionate and beautiful. I will write about the jewels of truth I have gained from watching others' lives unfold. I will write about things that a personal, like the map of my life. Maybe I'll write under a pseudonym.

This is all banter. Thoughts. I don't have much more to add at this point.

Good Deals

2009-09-28T12:51:00.003-05:00

With my new education on managing money, I have become even more frugal. I know, some of you are saying, "How is this possible?" and others are saying, "I guess I can expect a bag of rocks for Christmas." What if they're pretty rocks?

Anyway, yesterday I stole the show with a sweep up at a certain department store that starts with the letter K. While cleaning my room the other day (miracle)I found a pair of shorts I never wore. I bought them early in the summer and grabbed the wrong size, so they were set aside to eventually return.

While Dave vegged out in front of football and the kids napped, I toted the shorts back to the store and was granted a $29 store credit. I began digging through the clearance racks in the kids department, then the men's department and then, since I couldn't leave myself out, the women's department. I left the store with something for everyone: 2 shirts and 1 pair of pants for Maiya, 1 pair of jeans for Haven, a nightgown for myself (I'm girly, accept it, I have) and 2 t-shirts for Dave. I paid $3 on top of my store credit.

Not too shabby. Especially in exchange for a pair of ill-fitting shorts.

While I'm bragging, I might as well tell you about some other great finds I've recently made. Trash picking is not best thing that a girl in New Jersey can do for her reputation, but I'm not a Jersey Girl at heart. So, when I saw someone throwing away a perfectly good deck chair and table, I loaded it in the car and have been enjoying on an almost daily basis.

Another day I was driving around town and found a swingset on the curb, sporting a FREE sign.

And just today I found a small cabinet, just what I've been looking for, sitting curbside. Waiting for my frugal fingers to pick it up, dust it off, give it a couple of touch-ups with a black marker, and call it mine.

So, I continue to "shop" but in more (what's a good word for it?) creative ways. I don't think I will ever regret saving money, but I have certainly felt the sting of regret after spending it.

Potty time at our house

2009-09-18T14:28:00.005-05:00

Potty training is one of those things that you do in life that reflects your personality. Every mom I know who has even attempted it, had a different method. So, in the past few months I've listened and read and now I'm writing my own script.

Before two of his baths last week, Haven stripped off his clothes, sat on the potty that has been gathering stray hairs for months, and peed. Like it was nothing. Like it was part of his routine. I screamed and threw a party (bathroom style) and he smiled.

Then, suddenly, came his conviction that he could do everything himself. When he began to shriek "ALL BY MYSELF!" about anything from climbing into his carseat to washing his hair, I decided that pooping and peeing is something he is welcome to do all by himself. Thus I realized that while he may have been ready for potty training for a couple of weeks, I finally had the will to do it as well.

We're going gradually. I anticipate that this will take a while (weeks, months) and that's okay with me. Any progress is progress (says the therapist). Today he kept a pull-up dry for over 4 hours. Yesterday, however, he was wearing tighty-whities and peed on Dave twice within an hour. We're in the sit-on-the-potty-every-half-hour phase.

So, our style is slowly, no pressure. I'll be the one carrying loads of tighty-whities back and forth to the washer.

Feel free to leave your tips for potty training! What worked with your little guy or girl? What didn't work?

What I Did with My Summer.

2009-09-14T14:47:00.005-05:00

Did implies that the summer has ended. Which it has. Abruptly. Silently. Quite unkindly, if you ask me. It was such a nice summer, even though the weather wasn't.

I learned a lot and felt mostly that I was vacillating between lost and found. That's why I had little to put on this blog. I could have filled it with stories, but my thoughts were too far gone to sum it up without giving more of myself than I wanted.

I will attempt to end the cryptic speech now.

Haven, Maiya and I spent a lot of time at the lake, as we anticipated. Not as much as I would have hoped, but those sunny days of splashing and finally watching Haven wade in up to his shoulders were good enough for me. Maiya started walking toward the end of the summer, but her fearlessness around the water remained. One day my sister, Jes, was with me and noted, "I guess you don't go to the beach and read a book." I don't think I will do that for many years.

I took a 12-week course on personal finances. I learned more than I can say, and I think Dave and I will look back on this summer as the time that we made changes in our personal finances that were significant. The course covered issues from budgeting to giving to insurance and lot more in between. It's the type of stuff we all should have learned before we got jobs with real salaries (or at least before we quit our jobs with salaries to stay home with our kids). If anybody wants info on it, let me know. I think they offer classes nationwide at different churches and organizations.

Finally, and importantly, my baby sister, Rebecca, got married this summer. The sister I remember as an infant got married. The sister who made us all laugh and hammed it up every time she had a chance, danced her little butt off at her wedding reception and left a married woman. Her husband is a really cool guy (who Dave would have liked to wish "welcome to the family and good luck, you'll need it" in his toast if everyone had a sense of humor to accommodate that, but Dave wasn't sure). So, I have my first brother-in-law and the kids have their first uncle, well, by official relation that is. Congrats to Bec & Phil!

There will more posting on my part, I miss this blog. Thank you for coming back to read, if you have. Hope you also had a restorative summer.

Rock & Run for Africa

2009-08-20T13:14:00.004-05:00

Did you know that 1.1 billion people don't have access to clean drinking water!? Have you heard that two million people will die this year from unsafe drinking water and that 80% of those are children!

I can't imagine if I didn't have the option to turn on the faucet and give my children clean water. What must that be like?

I'm participating in an event called Rock and Run for Africa on September 6th with my church, Liquid. I am not going to send individual emails, because I know that there are thousands of worthy causes that you could choose to donate to. Please consider this one, I think it's incredibly important.

We are attempting to raise resources to help families in Africa who don't have the privilege of clean drinking water.

Here is a video with more information.

Run for Africa from Liquid Church on Vimeo.

If you wish to donate, simply follow this link. ANY amount is appreciated!

Happy Birthday, Maiya

2009-07-02T13:04:00.005-05:00

My little girl is one year old. I have a million feelings about that, including pride that Dave and I survived our first year with two children, and serenity that the toddler years are in full swing. That's right, I said serenity and toddlers in the same sentence. While infancy is cute in many ways, I embrace the new level of independence brought into our lives by toddlerhood.

Back to the person of the day. Maiya is wonderful. It's so easy to make her laugh. She loves to be in the water. She is brave and resilient. She is dramatic and, I admit, has me wrapped. She loves to flip and I wonder if she'll like gymnastics. She's intelligent; I can tell by the level of focus she gives to anything that captures her interest. She loves fruit. She knows what a pirate says, and a pirate says "arrrr."

My little sunshine, I couldn't love you more. Happy First Birthday!

Yesss.

2009-06-23T20:43:00.004-05:00

The lake is OPEN for business people. I should probably just go ahead and close up blog shop for the Summer. The babies and I will spend our mornings swimming at the lake, eating a picnic lunch and getting home in time for naps. It's gonna be so good. I have an extra pass if anybody wants to join us!

Just another grocery shopping war story

2009-06-20T08:11:00.006-05:00

Yesterday I remembered why I do not grocery shop with both kids. It raises my blood pressure to an alarming rate. At least it gives me fodder for this blog.

Haven played with (i.e. tormented) Maiya in the car attached to the shopping cart. She screamed while I maniacally attempted to shove the grocery bags into the cart. It seemed like the cashier had put every item in it's own bag. She was stone faced about the shriek Maiya was giving. A few passers by said, "aw, don't cry." Wow, that's really helpful, thank you.

(It was so hectic that I didn't get to enjoy how much I had saved, which is usually the highlight of grocery shopping. Later, though, I celebrated that I had gotten three boxes of brand-name cereal and a gallon of organic milk for five dollars.)

I mean, seriously, there was nobody in that store, employed or not, who could help me for ten seconds of their life? Sometimes I am shocked by the lack of kindness from strangers. Especially when my blood is boiling and I am convinced my stressors are the real problems in the world.

Perhaps, I guess, there is a slight chance that Maiya's cry does not raise blood pressure in every person in the world. Since she isn't their responsibility. Since it isn't their job to assess her cry and meet her needs. But still, somebody could have lent a helping hand. Instead, it felt like everyone was lending a very unhelpful finger.

Just when I was ready to give up on the decency of humanity, an older woman saddled up next to me as we pushed our carts into the parking lot. She told me she had toys for the kids. Toys were not exactly what I needed at the moment, but she was so sincere. Coincidentally, her car was parked next to mine. I unloaded Maiya into her car seat, then Haven to his. Meanwhile, the woman opened her trunk. She looked at me with a twinkle and said, "What would they like?" She had big bags of stuffed animals. My first thought was that I did not want to bring potentially germ-infested stuffed animals from an unknown source into my car or my children's lives, but I chose to look at her gesture as what it was: kind and generous. Just the traits that I needed somebody to possess at that moment.

We drove home with our groceries, a lion, a tiger and a dog that barked the whole way.

Thanks for the support and advice!

2009-06-11T12:44:00.003-05:00

This morning I tried something a few of you suggested.

Haven: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Me: I can't understand what you're saying when you talk like that.

Haven: (smiles) Please!

Me: Please what? What is it that you want?

Haven: Yes (we've been teaching him to say yes because he used to say Oh instead of Yes, I think he was just running through all of the nice words he knows.)

Me: Yes what? What do you want?

Haven: Please!

This lesson is going to take a while. For both of us.

Give me some wine for that whine

2009-06-10T13:48:00.006-05:00

Whining. Somebody, anybody, tell me how to stop this mind-numbing sound that emanates from my children. I bite my tongue because I know that expressing my feelings about it would only sink us all deeper into the Whine Pit. This morning I tried ignoring it. It worked. For three and a half seconds.

I don't want to point fingers at any particular member of this household, however ... Haven is not a big whiner but he is a copycat. I'll leave it at that.

The post-nap, pre-dinner hours are particularly screechy. Dinner preparation is losing all the joy it once held for me. And fast. Like, oops, oh, it's gone. I have tried appeasing them with snacks - then they don't eat dinner. I have tried appeasing them with a television show - then they lose it when I turn it off. I have tried giving them toys, free reign of the pots and pans cabinet, fun music .... not the mention the PILES of toys that are EVERYWHERE! No thanks, mom. We want your undivided ATTENTION! Won't dinner cook itself?

One night I ordered pizza and we played during the time that I would normally cook dinner. No whining. Hm.

My current options are stop cooking dinner or to cook during nap time. Or get fat and go broke ordering out every night. I don't like any of those options.

Any tips?

Keep 'em comin'

2009-06-07T15:04:00.005-05:00

This child is hilarious. He's finally talking enough to keep us laughing throughout the day. If he saw this picture, he would say, "Mess! Mess!" He hates messes. I honestly don't know how Dave and I brought a child into this world who hates messes, but good for him. He finds little particles of cheerios or dust on the floor and then puts in the trash can. Like it's fun. I hope it sticks and it isn't just a pre-potty-training trait.

I'm sorry if this next story is a little off-color, but it was too funny not to share. Haven was with me in the basement yesterday, it was hot and I was wearing shorts. I bent down and I felt a little hand lift the bottom of my shorts and Haven said, "Poop? No poop." I guess he was checking my diaper!

Confidence.

2009-06-03T12:18:00.003-05:00

I've thought a lot about this lately. My children came into this world with plenty of it. They would scream, smile and proclaim their presence as Here and Important. They still do. Confidence is obviously something we are born with, so it must be through experience that it ebbs.

Through my internship I was able to watch different counselors work. I noticed that a lack of confidence on the counselor's part broke down the relationship almost immediately. I learned as a counselor I would not know how to help everyone, but with two tools, I could smooth the transition from novice to helper. The first is to know my own limits and the second is to know how to get the help the person needs.

I have found that so many of the things I learned in my experience and education as a counselor are applicable to parenting. I think God knew I needed some training, and He timed my education and the start of our family just right.

I am becoming aware of what I can give to my children. The weight of it is tremendous and the impact immeasurable. There are limits to what I can do well and it will be advantageous if I work as hard as I can within those limits. When they need things outside of those limits, it will be up to Dave and me to learn, grow or find help. As long as I remain aware, I can maintain confidence. I can stand tall. I will do the best I can with what I have; this is a mantra my Dad taught me.

Confidence is a huge thing for a mom. Not just the benefit to her own mental health, but specifically in training her kids. I remember putting a giant, floppy hat on Haven's head last Summer. It was goofy-looking, but it protected him. I tied it under his chin and he looked at me doubtfully. I stepped back and told him he looked very handsome. He smiled and wore the hat proudly. If Mommy says it's cool, it's cool. (Parents of teenagers: I get that this changes, I'm going to go ahead and lap it up while I can.)

I want confidence to be a gift that I give to my children. I want them to be aware of their unique strengths and weaknesses. Often we focus too much on one or the other, most of us on the latter. What a beautiful thing it is to see ourselves for who we are. May you recognize your strengths today, may you respect your weaknesses, may you grow and walk in confidence.

Few things, as random as my days.

2009-05-29T20:05:00.007-05:00

We had a fun Memorial day weekend with my Dad and Gail. We also visited my Mom while we were in the area.

It is sickeningly ironic that the same week that I finally get the stroller of my dreams, I see a bear every single day. at least once.
Maiya has a few words: all done, hi, banana, mama, dada. Tonight, after some intensive coaching, she said Hi Dada.

Today I said to Haven, "Do you want to see where you came out?" and realized that if I had not had a c-section, this is not a question that I would never ask him.
My friends from playgroup and I have come up with a great idea for a reality television show. All I will tell you is that we think it's going to be hilarious. I'm sorry to be so secretive, but I don't want anyone to steal the idea. So, watch your listings for what is sure to be a smash hit.

Since I'm freaked out about the bears and our laundry is only accessible by going outside, we have approximately zero clean clothes.
I love this picture of my mom and Maiya:

Get off my deck.

2009-05-26T15:08:00.002-05:00

Question for moms...

2009-05-18T07:26:00.002-05:00

Maiya loves to nurse. I've loved it too, but I want to wrap it up in the next few months. She'll be 1 in July (wow!). She eats other foods pretty well and she enjoys water and soy milk. So ... I'm looking for suggestions. I tried to get some info online, but all I found were articles about the benefits of extended breastfeeding and how traumatic it is for a child to be weaned. Great, helpful.

My plan is to drop one feeding every couple of weeks until she's done. Currently she nurses once before each meal and once before bed and usually once in the middle of the night. Will this work? Any suggestions on which feedings to drop first?

Haven weaned himself, so this isn't an experience I've had. Suggestions are welcome!

Learnins

2009-05-16T20:49:00.007-05:00

I wouldn't say that education was on the top of my parents' priority list. We were homeschooled, which might lead one to believe the contrary, but the reason for homeschooling was more for our moral benefit than academic. Not once in my childhood or adolescence was I pressured to succeed academically. Perhaps that was why I was able to enjoy college; one thing I gained from homeschooling was a love for learning.

My sister, Jessica, and I were basically homeschooled forever. We had a few jaunts in traditional schools, but for one reason or another we always returned to homeschool. There are things we feel we missed, not socially because we had totally rad friends in our homeschool group, but educationally. I don't say this to berate my mother's efforts. It's just a fact that when it is one person's responsibility to supply a complete educational package for twelve grades, somethings will be missed. There are obviously ways to avoid this, as modern homeschoolers know. I like to think of my first family (to distinguish from my second family of Dave, Haven and little m) as pioneers of the modern homeschooling scene.

So, it is a wonder that Jes, Rebecca (who was homeschooled until grade 6) and I love college. And we are good at it!

For example ...

I send out a HUGE congratulations to Jessica for earning her Master's degree! My co-lover of education graduated today and Maiya and I were there to take in the accomplishment.
Nice dress!

Good job, dude!

Maiya didn't quite make it through the ceremony.

Go Jes!
(aka Jessica Kruse, MA)

Swine Flu Prevention

2009-05-03T16:16:00.004-05:00

Don't do This

The Boy Child

2009-04-30T13:40:00.009-05:00

When we were younger, that's what my sisters and I called Darin. He didn't love the nickname, but by then he had learned to choose his battles with us. I wrote an explanation of Darin's life in another post. In short, he is a Monk and on Sunday, we took Maiya to meet him.

As the third of four kids, he spent a lot of his childhood with a lot of other kids and the influence is still evident. He asked all the right questions about Haven and Maiya. He was a natural baby holder and Maiya liked him immediately. Haven, on the other hand, was kind of intimidated by his beard.

Haven was not intimidated, however, by the gigantic construction trucks on the campus. He was ready to climb inside and take them for a drive.

Darin said we could stay for dinner. For the record, a Monastary-style dinner + two little kids = an interesting situation. First of all, Monks eat at their own table. In silence. Secondly, men and women do not eat together. So, Dave and I each took one kid to our gender-respective tables and attempted to feed them tuna and salad. This was interesting since Haven doesn't like tuna and Maiya can't yet have tuna. We were able to interest them in the accompanying apples and bread.

To say that Monks are quiet people is in an understatement, as it is to say that Haven and Maiya are noisy people. Sounds of "apple!" and "no!" and whines filled the otherwise silent dining area. Afterward, Darin said it was fine because it was an "informal" dinner. Well, I think we gave a new meaning to Monk idea of informal.

It was a short visit, as it always is and unfortunately, this time he did not have permission to have his picture taken. Here are few shots of us from the visit:

Here I am, covered head-to-toe. Maiya got away with showing a little leg since she's still a baby. She also wasn't required to wear a head covering, but with a such a cute hat, I figured, why not?

Do I like this grass or not?

It was a quiet drive home.

A night out for Mommy means a wild party at home...

2009-04-29T14:13:00.002-05:00

Times two.

2009-04-27T13:39:00.009-05:00

You get it when you get it. Three of my friends are about to get it. And then they'll get it. But until you get it, you don't get it.

When you get him or her, I should say, you get it.

To clarify, when you get the Second Baby you get the craziness of managing two kids.

I am telling you right now that today the manager at the grocery store most certainly not get it.

Lately I've grocery shopped in the evenings when I can go with just one child, or, sometimes, gloriously alone. Today, however, we were very low on food supplies and since we're such food lovers, I decided to venture to the store with both babies.

(Yes, in a lot of ways Haven is still a baby. But don't tell him I said that. He considers himself a B'Boy. When I ask him if he is a baby he says very confidently, "Not a baby -- Maiya." However, until I can safely allow him to walk through the grocery store next to the shopping cart I will continue to call him a baby in my mind.)

Once we parked, I strapped Maiya into the carrier and Haven into the shopping cart seat. We were about half way through the store when I noticed black streaks all over Haven's shirt and arms and cheeks. There was something all over the cart that was now all over my boy. I dug to the bottom of the shopping cart, through my gigantic bag and retrieved the wipes. They served to smear the blackness into a grey fog. You havegottobe kidding me.

As we checked out I peeped, "I don't mean to complain, but there was something all over the cart--" The woman was very kind and appropriately flabergasted and called the manager. The manager that did not get it, as I mentioned.

He saw the mess and said ... "We'll take care of the cleaning bill for the shirt."

I was not looking for any compensation, but I was shocked by this offer. Cleaning bill? Are you suggesting that I'm going to take this little boy's Old Navy t-shirt to the dry cleaner? And then come back here and give you the bill? Please look at us - I have a sleepy 9-month-old whining and attached to my hip and a toddler covered in junk after a quick trip through the grocery store. Do we look like the kind of people who get through errands quickly? Trust me, you won't see a cleaning bill from us. I didn't actually say any of this, I might mention.

We got home and after I carried the groceries and kiddos inside, I realized that there was not only grease on my shirt as well as Haven's, but blood too. Is this some kind of joke?! I could not locate a source of this blood on any of us. Okay...

I changed Haven's shirt and scrubbed his face and arms. I read him two books (an extra because he was so well behaved at the grocery store despite the poor circumstances) and put him in bed. I put Maiya down for her nap, which included nursing her, killing a bee and changing her clothes because I found a streak of blood down her shirt too (still no source).

It was then that I remembered that I bought ice cream at the grocery store and it was still in one of the bags. Sorry about the freezer burn, Dave. This gets better and better.

Thus Grocery Shopping became an event. I will now finish this blog and go do the subsequent laundry that occured due to our trip.

Skills.

2009-04-23T14:38:00.003-05:00

I try to remember all of things that I can do well. I was overcome by with a sense of nostalgia when I received the latest newsletter from my former employer. I didn't even like that job for the last two of the five years I worked there. Yet, I missed it for a few moments.

I just read a short memoir called Not Becoming My Mother. The author wrote that many mothers during the 40's and 50's felt like they were wasting their brains and talents sitting at home. Some days I can relate to that so well. Except that I don't sit at home. I'm on my feet, or my hands and knees, almost always. Though, by the end of the day, the living room and kitchen look like I've been sitting on the couch, watching TV and eating all day. I tell Dave that this is how I spend the day when he asks what happened that I could not complete something I'd planned to do. Maybe that's what I missed about my job - the way I could tear through my to-do list before lunch.

These little happy faces are what I'm good at right now. It's just that there is no way to quantify my success. Even when Haven listens or quickly stops a tantrum, I automatically think it is due to his phlegmatic personality more than my parenting skills. Who's to know?

Anyway, this is not the time in my life when I shine, I guess. I'm backstage. Most days I handle that graciously, I hope. Other days I want to see a report card with my name on it and straight-A's emblazoned down the side.

Back to my original thought - focusing on what I'm good at doing. It isn't anything that has to do with being a homemaker or housewife or any of the images that come to your mind when you hear those terms.

I have accumulated an interesting skill set, though. Let's see ... I can nurse Maiya and change Haven's diaper at the same time. I can nurse Maiya in the car while we're both still in our seat belts (while Dave is driving, I might add, I don't Brittany-Spears it). I can carry on a ten minute conversation with a person whose vocabulary consists primarily of animal sounds, single-syllable words and the identification of the letter W. I can fold a basket of laundry amongst the destructive efforts of not one but two kids. I can keep track of how long a sippy cup has been sitting on the (you name it) and what is inside said sippy cup and if it is safe for the tiny crawler approaching it. These are significant skills. I say they're resume-worthy.

This is the way I feed my kids, feed my kids, feed my kids...

2009-04-21T10:41:00.003-05:00

Several years ago, when my in-laws moved to Florida, my mother-in-law said one of the things she missed most was cooking for Dave.

I've always thought that there was something about mom's cooking - the food one grows up eating. It's tastey and just right, even if it's not super tastey. On the rare occasion that my own mom is at our house and whips up dinner, I revel in the familiarity of the flavors.

Now, I'm getting the mom's perspective. I love feeding my kids and I love watching them eat good meals. So ... now my food is mom's food. My cooking is their childhood food.

Teaching them to eat well and enjoy good foods is a significant responsibility to me. So, toward that end, I offer them healthy options. Breakfast and dinner are big meals for us. I spend time making eggs, hot cereal or French toast for breakfast. I think about dinner and like to make hearty food with a little something from every food group. Lunch, which is grabbed around nap schedules, does not always get as much attention.

Sometimes it look a little funny on the plate.

Here is Haven's lunch. Pot-popped popcorn without butter or salt, kidney beans and cheese. So, that's an odd lunch, but he ate it. That day Maiya got kidney beans, ohs and cheese. I'll be taking luncheon catering requests on a first-come-first-served basis. Try not to overflow my in-box.

So, what interesting foods have you offered your children?

A little thought.

2009-04-08T19:36:00.004-05:00

Did anybody watch Oprah the other day? She talked about motherhood and had lots of funny moms talk about their lives. I loved it. My favorite part was the woman who said she cried when she had to buy a mini van. I want to watch it again. There was a lot of laughter.

What particularly struck me was the blogging mom who makes $40,000 a month ... selling ads on her blog. I wonder what I am doing wrong because I haven't received a penny for writing on this blog ...

I guess in addition to superb writing skills and time to write, I guess that the willingness to tell all to an Internet audience is imperative. Hm. For forty thou a month, I'd consider it.

I imagine we will look back on these years as the time that people became successful by selling their privacy. Consider shows such as Jon and Kate + 8. (For the record, I'm entertained by this show and I think you do what you need to do to support 8 children. If that leads to tremendous popularity, well, so be it. Good for them.) I wonder how many people in the end, after exposing their lives, would say that it was worth it. Would Jessica and Nick (Newlyweds)? I'm just curious, which is why I (we) watch these shows in the first place.

Anyway, would you give up your privacy for a big chunk of change?

Turn your frowns upside down.

2009-04-06T13:39:00.018-05:00

The other day I was reading a parenting magazine while Dave caught the latest sports game and the babies dug through the blocks box. I try not to laugh out loud when I read because it's kind of like having an inside joke and outsiders don't feel good about inside jokes. Well, on this occasion, I couldn't help it.

Dave: "What's so funny?"

Me: "This article is about this mom--" I couldn't stop laughing.

I finally pulled myself together long enough to explain that the article was about a mom of two young kids. It outlined her typical day and then, at the end of the day, her husband asked if she was alright and when she said she was just tired, he said ...

"Why?"

That sent me into hysterics. When I retold it to Dave, I said Why like it was a punch line. He didn't think it was nearly as funny as I did. Then again, tears were practically running down my face.

I was in rare form, laughing at the chaos of my life. It's good to laugh. It's good old medicine to laugh. Another day I might have rolled my eyes at that article and muttered nobody knows the trouble I've seen. But our pastor had recently preached about the pointlessness of self pity, so... Let's face it, laughing is a much more healing resonse.

Some day a shower won't be to me what a day at the spa is to most people. Some day silence will mean the kids are grown and not that they are eating the cat's food.

For now, I will enjoy the ruthless rythem of my day. The kind that renders me unconscious by 9:30 PM. I will laugh about it as much as I can, and when I can't laugh, I'll just try to memorize these four chubby cheeks that somehow just keep smiling.

and the best husband award goes to...

2009-04-02T13:13:00.010-05:00

Today is our anniversary. It's been four years since this picture was taken. I'm telling you we still look just this good. Well, Dave certainly does, but he hasn't been pregnant twice. Anyway, back to the point: we still feel this good. I'm thrilled to be with you, Dave. What a great life. It's crazy sometimes, I know, but I'm so glad we get to share the ups and downs with eachother. What an adventure. I can't imagine walking through life without you.

I wanted to have a slide show with music playing in the background, but unfortunately I'm not all that technically advanced. Here is the song I would play with the slideshow.

side note: didn't my mom do a nice job on my bouquet?

Springtime at our house

2009-03-27T13:14:00.005-05:00

"Ooh, ooh, child, things are gonna get easier..."

A few months ago I used to sing/yell this song to myself when my days were chaos. Babies change so quickly, don't they? Already dawn has broken.

Last night Maiya slept for 11 hours straight. I, however, woke up at least every two to look at the clock and make sure the monitor was still working. Don't you worry, I'm sure I can adjust.

Yesterday Haven ran to the bathroom door and yelled "pee!" I put him on the potty, which has been little more than decoration the past couple of months, and he produced a respectable amount of pee. We talked about it all afternoon and he proudly told Daddy at dinner. I realize it may be months before he's doing this consistently, but I'm proud of his start.

These small victories chart our progress out of the wildnerness of sleeplessness and showerlessness.

Penny - er, a trillion - for your thoughts

2009-03-22T13:08:00.003-05:00

Dave and I voted differently from eachother in November. Mostly because I am an idealist and he is a realist. This difference bodes well for our family, but not so well for our making an impact in the vote tally.

Anyway, our big topic of discussion lately has been government spending. I like to think it is a means to an end - a good one - while Dave thinks it is a power trip. I like to think that the money is going to creating much-needed jobs which will in turn improve our economy. I hate to think that it's just a bunch of fat cats buying bigger pent houses while a ton of middle class people lose the homes they worked for years to buy. Hm ... I'm starting to feel more cynical already.

Dave and I had tons of fodder for our discussions last time I opened this blog for political comments. So, let's open it again. I think that I have an array of political views among my readers (all 5 of you) and I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Bring it.

Chatter

2009-03-13T12:34:00.004-05:00

Haven's vocabulary has exploded in the last month or two. It's been tons of fun to hear his thoughts. Well, mostly fun.

Yesterday we were in the grocery store and he said (what I think was) "Daddy just pooped! Daddy just pooped!" over and over and over. Lucky Daddy wasn't there to be mortified.

He put his first 4-word-sentence together. I was feeding Maiya at the table, I got up to run to the kitchen for something, and when I returned he said, "Her want more please."

He got a ride-on motorized bus recently, a belated birthday gift. I told him we had a special surprise for him and we gave it to him when Dave got home from work. He had a blast pushing the button to move forward and honking the horn. The morning after we gave it to him he was sitting at the table eating cereal silently. All of a suddent he said, "Bus! Daddy!" I guess he was thinking about the night before.

He is so cute (in a two-year-old way) at bedtime. He knows how to grab my heart. He stretches those giant eyes wide open and just when I'm going to leave him in his bed, says, "A'other song?" "T'kl T'kl?" He wiggles his fingers and I give him an enchore of Twinkle Twinkle.

The funniest thing about him talking is that I act like he's fluent in the English language. Most people, however, don't even understand when he says words like Thanks (t'x) or Up (ahh-bee). I guess I can add interpreter to my ever-expanding list of mommy skills.

Notes from the moutain people.

2009-03-04T14:03:00.006-05:00

Yesterday we had a window salesman visit us. I asked for it. I made the appointment. You could argue that it's my fault. He was at our house for almost 3 hours and provided us with a host of information that was irrelevent when he finally got to the bottom line. Throughout his banter he made it clear that his windows were high end and that they just weren't for some people. I guess he thought we were "some people" because he made a few patronizing comments about blue collar workers and how his company sometimes sells windows to people who own homes that cost as little as 250k. We had not given him the price of our home, so I guess that was his best guess. I wanted to say that we were proud of our house and that we worked hard to buy it and we still work hard to own it. It's our first home and while it may not be very flashy, we're happy with it. But before I could get those words out, he was criticizing our windows (the ones we were not looking to replace) saying he could easily push them right out of our house.

This was obnoxious enough. But we were turned off only a few minutes after he arrived. He showed up early and said "Sorry I'm early, there's nowhere to hang out in the woods." Then he walked into the living room and said, "You guys are mountain people up here!" Maybe he said this because I was changing Maiya's diaper in the living room. I'm sure that didn't help.

Before he left he asked us a million questions about bears and if there would be one waiting outside by his car. We told him they were hibernating but I'm not sure he knew what that was.

It turns out his windows are for some people, some people that aren't us. They are high end and we aren't going to stay in our home long enough to make it worth the investment. We'll keep looking until we find someone with windows that suit our budget. And our decorum.

2009-02-19T13:33:00.003-05:00

I know I've been slacking on this blog since I joined a web networking site with the initials fb.

Anyway, a few things...

Haven turned 2! This deserves an entire post all its own. The highlights are that he and I took a bus ride together (he loved it so I loved it too), we had a Backyardigans-themed party with some friends, and my mom came to spend the actualy birthday with us.

I'm finally working! I mentioned about a hundred years ago that I got a position doing in-home counseling. It took a while for me to get my first case, but I have a couple of cases now. It's just a few hours a week but it feels good to use my degree and to bring in a few extra bucks.

In what felt like an endless search for a job, I realized that this shiney, new Master's degree isn't doing me any favors without a license to go with it. The job I got only requires a Bachelor's, which is frustrating. So, I've started to study for the National Counselor's Exam. I actually kind of missed hitting the books. (Don't tell Dave, he'll send me back to school for my phd.)

I can't wait for the snow to stop and the sun to shine. Now that Haven can thoroughly enjoy playgrounds and Maiya can sit in a swing, I know this Spring will be lovely.

I'm enjoying my kids. Maiya is starting to feed herself cheerios (thank you!), is sleeping pretty well, knows what she wants and how to get it (the child can scream) and she adores Haven. The feeling is mutual and Haven thrives on making Maiya laugh. The other day Haven "nursed" a doll while I nursed Maiya (I decided there was no need to explain to him that he won't every nurture a real baby that way). We just incorporated Time Out and sometimes if he does something that he knows is not allowed he just looks at me and runs to the Time Out spot.

That's my update for now. I'm still reading the blogs on my link list! It's fun to hear about everbody's adventures.

Thank You, Lori!

2009-01-29T15:40:00.004-05:00

Maiya loves her new hat!

Thoughts on Motherhood, Before & After

2009-01-22T12:25:00.007-05:00

Before I became a mom, I thought: If I'm nice to my kids they will always be nice to others.
After: Oh man, he's figuring out how to be selfish all on his own.

Before: If I give my kids a variety of foods, they will not be picky eaters.
After: Really, Maiya? You won't keep one bite of cottage cheese in your mouth?

Before: How expensive can children be? I'm sure it's not too much.
After: What?! Diapers are more than the electric bill?

Before: I will be able to relate to most moms when I have kids of my own.
After: Wow, there are a lot if different ways to do this.

Before: I won't be one of those moms who goes out looking like a mess.
After: I have both indoor and outdoor sweatpants.

Before: I would never feed my children fast food.
After: Burger King has a veggie burger and apple slices, we're there.

Before: Drive thru's are for lazy people.
After: Yes, I'll drive 10 miles out of the way to go to a drive-thru bank. Even when gas was $4/gallon.

Before: I'll make everything from scratch so they can have the healthiest food available.
After: Hm, this prepackaged stuff looks pretty healthy.

Before: I won't be a nervous mom, I'm sure they'll be just fine.
After: Maiya has been sleeping a while, I better go make sure she's alright, and risk waking her.

Before: I won't be one of those moms who can't stop talking about her kids.
After: This blog, case in point.

What else? What did you think before you became a mom?

A donut plant is a good plant to grow.

2009-01-05T14:30:00.008-05:00

Saturday morning was the typical drill at our house. Breakfast. Toys all over the living room. The Food Network on TV. Everybody in pajamas. The show we were watching reviewed a donut place in the city and the donut glazes were made from fresh in-season fruit and they homemade all of the jelly for the fillings. Dave asked if I wanted to go. I was practically in the car before he could get the words out. Not quite, because getting out the door with two kids takes an hour not a second, but in my mind I was halfway to Manhattan.

When Dave used to visit me in Delaware for the weekend, while we were dating, we would go to Dunkin Donuts in our pajamas. We were so cute back then. Anyway, this time, we all got dressed. Here's how it went (Jon & Kate style):

4 Shirts
4 Pants

8 Socks

6 shoes

2 diapers

4 coats

2 hats

So, we crossed the Hudson and got ino the city in record time. I said I wanted to sit down and have some coffee with my donut, but the crowd winding out the door of the place indicated there were no facilities to accomodate me. This was a gigantic kitchen with a counter.

So, the Family From The Suburbs parked the SUV, unfolded the bulky double stroller and waited in line for donuts among the sleek, kid-free citizens of SoHo. Maiya, in true form, began to scream just as we made it to the counter. Dave had to make the executive decisions on our donut selection as I fixed my coffee-to-go and ushered her our the door, away from The Stares.

We ate our donuts in the car. Not all of them. I will not disclose here how long it took us to consume 8 donuts because that's a family matter.

You might like the dessert Creme Brulee, but until you've sampled a donut of the same name from the Donut Plant (complete with the crispy top), you haven't enjoyed Creme Brulee to it's fullest potential. We also tried a pistachio donut, which was delightful, as the nuts were fresh roasted. Even the plain donut with chocolate frosting was divine. What I mean to say it, was completely worth the drive, the toll to leave New Jersey and the outrageous price ($19 for 8 donuts). If you're in the area, it's called Donut Plant on Grand Street.

Haven

2008-12-31T14:33:00.004-05:00

This is the face of an angel. Yes, I'm one of those moms. Shamelessly proud of my babies. I finished the post about Maiya and could not stop thinking about all I would write in a post about Haven. So here I am again.

This child brings so much laughter to our family. I've mentioned before his love for music. Before I put him in his crib I sing him a couple of songs. If I sing a song he particularly likes, he says "More?" every time I stop to take the quickest breath. Jesus loves me this I know - inhale - "more?" for the Bible tells me so - inhale - "more?" and so on, throughout the song. It makes me laugh every time.

Today was his first alone play date. I told him a few times in the car where we were going and that I wasn't staying with him. "And Maiya?" (He always wants to know if Maiya will be present as well.) I explained he would be there with his friend and her mommy. He had a fun time and was in a great mood when I picked him up.

Somehow, he is almost 2 years old. He has little fits, but generally he's mild mannered. He loves to help and he has two chores: feeding our cat and putting dirty diapers in the trash can. He loves to watch football with Dave. He loves to play catch and says "good catch!" and "good throw!" He sleeps with the little stuffed characters from the Backyardigans and calls them his "guys."

He's dramatic - how could he not be with us as parents? If we tell him no his whole face scrunches into the saddest little expression for a moment (maybe he's hoping we'll change our mind?) and then he cries. He's distractable though. Usually "The Wheels on the Bus" song cheers him up in no time. Distractions, prevention and positive reinforcement have been the most effective discipline techniques with him so far.

I love this little guy. Can't stand how cute he is sometimes. I'm so proud of the little man that he is.

Maiya

2008-12-31T13:19:00.009-05:00

I took Maiya for her six month check this morning. My little bean is already halfway to 1. She's a healthy 19 lbs 7 oz. Almost off the charts. I asked the doctor how I will know if she's nursing enough since she nurses less frequently since she started solids. He just looked at her and smiled and said, "She's nursing enough."

She loves to eat food. She attacks the spoon. She leans so far forward toward an incoming spoonful that she would fall out of the high chair if she weren't strapped into it. That's my girl.

She falls asleep by herself, which is great, but staying asleep is another issue. Almost every night she wakes an hour after I put her down and she screams. Usually she wants to eat and then hang out for a while. She then she goes right back to bed without a problem. I don't know what's up with that, but, I know won't last forever.

She doesn't roll yet, which seemed to alarm the doctor a bit. I told him candidly that Haven didn't roll until he was 6 months old. It's nice to worry less this second time around. I know now that once she starts moving, that's it. It's a whole new world of chasing and vacuming and babyproofing.

Last night I brought her to our bed when she woke up sometime after midnight. She was nursing and I was almost asleep. I glanced down at her and her huge greenish-brown eyes were wide open staring at me. Then she swung her head around and looked at Dave. We thought she was falling asleep, so it was funny to see those eyes popped open, looking at everything. Maybe you had to be there.

I just want to remember all of this cuteness.

Home Sweet Stayin' Home.

2008-12-24T11:27:00.005-05:00

Merry Christmas Eve! This is our first year to stay home, just our family, at our house for Christmas. I'm so excited. It's not that we have mounds of gifts to exchange and we'll probably have a simple dinner, but I'm happy to spend the day with my little family in our little house. I can't help but be thankful for what we have. Love. Health. A white, though melty, Christmas.

Last weekend my Dad, stepmom, sisters and their plus- ones came to our house to celebrate Christmas. Here is the gang: Charlie, Phil & Dave, Jessica, Rebecca, me, Dad, Haven, Gail and Maiya.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

One day I will write it all here.

2008-12-18T06:42:00.006-05:00

Okay this picture has nothing to do with this post, but I think it's hilarious. Every morning Haven asks me to put Maiya in his crib (not in so many words) before I get him out. So, one morning I snapped a picture. They were both still waking up, I guess.

It is not 7 o'clock in the morning yet. This is not a time when I am typically awake. Haven and Maiya have been sleeping until at least 8 o'clock for a while now, so when Maiya woke up for the day at 5:30 this morning, it took me a while to accept it. She is in the bouncer now, playing gently with the dangling toys and smiling at me whenever I look at her. I think she's sleepy. I know I'm sleepy. I also know I'm spoiled to think that I should get to sleep until 8 o'clock in a house with two kids under two years old.

Throughout the week so many things run through my mind. They are topics I would like to further explore here. I want to sit and type them out until they're clear. However, I barely have time to think a complete sentance, much less publish a paragraph to my blog.

Anyway, here are two topics I hope to write more about soon. They're on my mind.

First of all, my experience in yoga. I've only gone for about a month. I knew I would love the stretching and balancing exercises, but I was curious about the spiritual aspect of it. I feel like God is showing me a lot through yoga. Nobody has to agree with me, but that's what I feel. Not to mention, the room is quiet, my kids are taken care of, so, it's very easy to pray and listen for God. When I am at peace, relaxed, tranquil, it is because of my hope in God. It's because I know Him and trust Him. It is only natural to me that that is where my mind would rest when the teacher suggests that we consider how we are doing spiritually.

Secondly, I want to write about parenting. I want to list what I know so far (maybe just so that I can get a laugh in the future). The more parents I meet, the more parenting styles I find. I, like any parent, want mine to be right, at least for my children. I do feel that I know some things, though. I somehow manage to feel semi-competent most days. I know where my resources are and I use them. I have clear goals (give my children a good self image, set them on the path to know Jesus, teach them responsibility, teach them to enjoy life, etc). I also learned a few things getting that degree that's gathering dust on our desk. So anyway, I want to write down my parenting philosophy, mostly to see how it changes over the years.

Well, more on all of that soon. I hope.

Three cheers for Maiya Adisen!

2008-12-09T08:35:00.005-05:00

I am excited to announce that Maiya fell asleep last night in her crib without one single cry. I sang her a song, put her down and she drifted off to snooze land. Way to go, little sweetie. I'm so proud of you!

I'm also thrilled for myself.

The next few days will be spent working on a daily schedule that I hope will yield a well-rested little girl.

This is my life. It's a good one.

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-12-02T12:31:00.012-05:00

If we can drive to Florida and back with two children under age 2, we can do anything. Dave and I, we're invincible. Bring it on, world.

That is not to say we weren't beat on Sunday night. We pulled into our driveway, motion and fast food sick, after nineteen hours of driving. I should clarify that Dave drove while I fended off tantrums with snacks, elmo, songs, more elmo, books, and play-it-again elmo. "I guess road trips are when you throw all of your parenting skills to the wind." I said to Dave, when we, after a brief stop, had bribed Haven to get back in the carseat with a lollypop. He sat in the backseat, his perfect lips turning blue from his first lollypop experience.

Maiya's first Thanksgiving!

We spent Thanksgiving week with Dave's parents, in northern Florida. Granny spent lots of time holding Maiya and playing with Haven and the kids enjoyed tour after tour of Grandpa's farm. Dave and I got to out alone - we got haircuts. It was so great to be with family and I remembered how nice it must be for families who live closer to eachother.

Maiya's induction to a game-playing family.

My little boy who could not walk the last time we were there, this time incessently begged to go see the ducks, to go outside and sprinted and jumped his way through the week.

A highlight of the trip for Haven.

Maiya's first reading lesson with Grandpa.

Tummy Time Blues

2008-11-20T15:13:00.005-05:00

Sometimes we just need a buddy to hang out with us while we cry.

Progress

2008-11-19T13:10:00.003-05:00

I can calculate our progress by remembering doctor visits since Maiya was born. At those first couple of check ups, not only was I unable to remember percentiles spouted to me by the nurse, but we were late and unbathed. Haven was unable to cross a parking lot holding my hand because he was just too slow, so I hooked Maiya's car seat around my arm and him on my hip. I lured him away from various no-nos with whatever snack was in the diaper bag. When Maiya got her shots, they both howled. Some memories of their babyhood will be okay to forget. Today, we began what I hope was an upward trend. We were on time. We were all wearing clean clothes. I had even showered. Haven walked into the office. He played contentedly in the waiting room. In the exam room I had to discourage his kissing the monkeys on the wallpaper, but otherwise, he safely entertained himself with a toy car throughout Maiya's check. When she got her shots, she screamed for just a moment and puckered his lips and dropped his eyebrows in a frown, and then returned to the toy car. Sometimes aging is beautiful.

In other news, my exercise classes prove to be awesome. They're worth the weekly hour of babysitting torture (I exagerate) to attend them free. So far I've taken one pilates class and one yogalates class. I took ballet for many years and the difference I see so far is that pilates aims for strength and balance, while ballet pinpoints precision and competition. I have to say at this point in my life, I strongly prefer the former. The classes are a little bit like going to a spa that not only relaxes, but brings fitness back to my life. I'm sure I will write much more about this soon.

In closing, I send many wishes for a happy, happy first birthday to baby Lauren!

Girls just want .... to be held.

2008-11-13T13:42:00.003-05:00

That goes for my girl, anyway. Unless she's asleep - and in the deepest of sleeps - she prefers to be in my arms. If she's not, she is happy to provide a whiney cry that will progress to a shrill scream if I do not answer promptly.

Hungry? No. Needs a change? Nope - dry as a bone. Tired? Sick? Teething? Oh baby, I just don't know.

I would like to empty the dishwasher or bring the dirty laundry downstairs. Or, maybe, write a blog entry without her sitting in my lap, gumming my arms. I guess this is too much to ask.

All day I make the choice between holding her and getting nothing done or putting her down and listening to her scream. When she cries, Haven says, "Noooo, nooo."

Okay, just discovered a baby hickey on my arm. That's all for now.

Parenting books, anyone?

2008-11-07T13:38:00.006-05:00

I'm interested in reading some parenting books and would like to get a few suggestions. Of what I've read so far, I agree a lot with the books from Focus on the Family.

Two topics I'd like to read about:

Discipline (a loving, well-rounded approach).
Handling this tolerant world - teaching kids to both show love to all people and to maintain our own values and morals.

I'll take suggestions on other topics as well. I'm planning to read Bringing up Boys by Dobson next. I prefer books with authors who have some decent credentials - either formally (MDs, psychologists) or informally (successful parents). Please tell me why you liked the book and its title.

Thanks!

I love my Dad.

2008-11-05T13:32:00.011-05:00

My Dad lives about a 3 hours drive away from us, and I don't get to see him as often as I would like. This past weekend, we went for a visit. Here are some pictures from our weekend, taken by Gail, my stepmom.

At the zoo...

Maiya & Me.

Dave & Haven

Our fam...

My Dad & Maiya...

About my Dad....

I can have a different opinion than his and he neither backs down nor tries to change my mind.
He cooks delicious food for me (with the exception of the eggs with scotch while I was pregnant, which he will never live down).
He laughs easily and often and loud.
I've never felt like I had to try to impress him - just being me is good enough.
Through his life he's taught me that time together is the best gift, I hope to pass this on to my children.
When I was growing up, he worked long and hard with little to spend on himself. Although he enjoys buying himself some toys these days (that is, fancy knives), I don't hear him complain about the years he raised us. He calls us, his four kids, his investments.
When we were growing up, he always concocted some herbal potion for us to drink when we were sick. Since we were homeschooled I never realized that most girls, when they had menstrual cramps, took Aleve and not a cup of crampbark tea.
How did your Dad embarrass you when you were a teenager? Mine practiced sword fighting in a dimly lit family room. Beat that.
He proudly identifies himself as a redneck. How a kid who grew up in Queens calls himself a redneck, I don't know, but he will always be 99% hippie to me.
He's strong, solid and reliable. And he attended all of my dance recitals with a bouquet of flowers in hand.

This would all be written more eloquently if I didn't have a baby squirming in my lap. In closing, I love you, Dad!

Goody Gumdrops

2008-11-04T07:18:00.006-05:00

I feel like I got three wishes granted....

We didn't buy a crib for Maiya because we assumed she could transfer to Haven's crib and he could transfer to a toddler bed. However, Haven is content in his crib and we would like to leave him in there as long as he's willing to stay. Since it will only be a few months until he is able to climb out of the crib, we did not want to buy a second crib for that short interum. Yes, I realize I just wrote a long post about the joys of cosleeping, but Maiya can't nap in a swing forever. So, I stumbled on a wonderful online network where people give and take things for free and there I was able to get a free, used crib for Maiya. Commence wish number one.

I've been looking for a part time job. I want to use my degree so much - I studied psychology for so long because I love it. However, I am as picky as a job seeker can be in terms of scheduling. That's made it tough to find a position in this job market. Yesterday I had a phone interview for contract work in which I can take positions on a case by case basis. In other words, I could work 1 hour a week or 20. I could work only at night or only on Saturday. Totally flex. And, I'll be using that degree I just completed! Commence wish number two.

I have fond memories of being in shape. Not being thin specifically, but being able to walk around the block or climb a flight of stairs without gasping for breath. Of being able to touch my toes without bending my knees. You know, the things that are tough with a) a pregnant belly or b) pushing/carrying the weight of two children under two and all of their junk. I love to walk for exercise, but it's getting too cold to take the kiddies outside for long stretches. Anyway ... there is a local exercise studio that offers babysitting. If I babysit during a class once a week, they will give me free classes all week long. I plan to go meet the woman at the studio tomorrow. Hopefully H&M will be there normal cool, collected selves and the woman at the stuido will agree that I can handle a roomful of kids for one hour. Almost commence wish number three.

Sometimes it's just so easy to be thankful.

End of October...

2008-10-31T06:50:00.005-05:00

The weather is turning too cold to take my babies outside. Especially here, this winter wonderland we found just 5 miles up a mountain. I think that the geese have flown to Florida anyway, so goodbye to our number one outdoor activity for the past month: feeding stale bread to possessive geese. We are stuck inside these walls and I am left considering which walls we could turn into windows.

My daughter will be four months old soon, but she's been sporting size six month clothes for weeks. Endearing is the only word that begins to describe her, with that riveting grin and fluffy hair. Sometimes when I change her clothes she just starts to laugh because she is so ticklish. She watches Haven like he has endless wisdom to give. He watches her like he's got endless love.

The elections are in a few short days. As I dubiously rose the topic of politics in various conversations, I found that some people think the words American, Republican and Christian are synonomous. This disturbs me. I have also found that some people care as fiercely about politics as I care about God. Interesting. I believe I've chosen who to cast my vote for, but I am both easily swayed and cynical. Both candidates are so good at looking sincere and patriotic. I guess that's part of the job.

Oh, today is Halloween. I just realized. I never celebrated Halloween as a child, unless you count dressing as Queen Esther for Halleluia Night. But that's another post and I have a feeling most of my readership could tell similar stories.

Bring it on, people.

2008-10-20T19:52:00.005-05:00

Editor's Note: Wow! Thank you for a remarkable response to this post. I appreciate the time each of you spent to talk to me about your views. Dave and I had a great time reading over the comments and looking up various topics online. The countdown is on and it's time to make a decision. Thank you so much! ~ Jen

It's 2 weeks until election day and I am an undecided voter. There are things I like about each of them, there are things I dislike about each of them. If you're passionate about one candidate or the other, here's your chance to try to win another vote for him.

Issues that matter the most to me:

Health care for Americans
Limitations on abortion
Education for Americans
Environmental preservation

I'd also love to see poverty abolished, but I'm not sure that's the government's job in a capitalistic nation.

Anyway ... I don't promise to tell you who I choose and feel free to comment anonymously.

mama bear gone loco

2008-10-19T03:57:00.006-05:00

Me: What's that noise? It sounds like something got into the garage.

Dave - riveted by The Office: It's nothing.

(loud banging, too loud for a mouse or a cat or a raccoon....)

Dave - standing by the front window: It's a bear trying to get to the garbage in the garage.

I look out the window to see, literally, the Mother Bear hauling it's gigantic body down our driveway. It had been slamming its body against our garage door, trying to break it down. I'm just happy I wasn't down there doing laundry at the time.

There were three in the bed and the little one said, roll over, roll over...

2008-10-16T11:59:00.005-05:00

As the mother of two, I've developed a new level of confidence. Equipped with knowledge that comes from, though minimal, experience, I feel I can parent Maiya with an ease I did not have with Haven. This confidence led me to spill to a couple of new friends that Maiya sleeps with us at night.

For those of you without children, this is not information one usually divulged unless it is to a close friend with a baby, both of whom are in desperate need of a good night's sleep. Even then the fact is practically whispered.

The best part of admitting to other parents that we cosleep is finding that many people do the same, they just keep it on the down low. Hush hush. We don't tell the doctor and we don't tell most of our friends. Once I spilled, though, these new friends told me about their own co-sleeping ventures, the guilt and glory of it.

I decided to do a little research. I picked through a few websites to find out about the perks of cosleeping. I already knew what most American sleeping "experts" say about it: it's dangerous, lazy on the parent's part and sets the child up for poor sleeping habits. Since my son sleeps great through the night in his own bed and has since he was about 1, I don't subscribe to these anti-cosleeping beliefs.

I found some pretty awesome stuff about cosleeping! I read that when a mom and baby sleep together they go through sleep patterns simultaneously. So when mom sleeps deeply, so does baby. Also, the baby takes cues from mom's sleep pattern. If she breathes deeply, the baby mimics. I don't know how much of this is scientifically proven, but I tried this yesterday morning before Maiya woke. When I took a deep breath she immediately followed with her own!

Cosleeping in other cultures in completely normal. Moms in South America are probably keeping it to themselves when they put their baby in a crib. Interesting fact (which I found in one of my textbooks) is that in countries where cosleeping is the norm, there are far fewer reports of sleeping troubles than there are here in the US.

To me, cosleeping during the early months makes perfect sense. As the baby is learning to trust, mom and dad are always present. Then, as he or she gets older and starts to develop a sense of autonomy it seems like a logical time to gradually transition to independent sleep. Of course, as in most areas of parenting, this transition is easier said than done. I realize cosleeping isn't for everyone, but it works for us. Haven slept with us until he decided to make his first initial in our bed (sleeping horizontally between us, forcing us to the far edges of the bed). When it's time to move on, we'll move on, but for now, we 're enjoying our little cuddly girl in our bed.

8 Things on my 28th Birthday.

2008-10-08T15:04:00.005-05:00

1. We have 2 cars, the nice newer of which I get to drive and our older, paid off one Dave gets to drive. While I love the security of driving a car that isn't going to break down, I have a special place in my heart for our older car. I guess it makes me feel young or carefree or something.

2. In the fall I like to leave a pot of simmering apple cider on the stove so that my house smells like Autumn. It reminds me of going to Lindsay's house (well, her parent's house) and feeling cozy and happy.

3. I am giving up on bangs because in 90% of the pictures of me from the past 5 years my bangs are covering at least one of my eyes. I don't keep up on haircuts enough to manage bangs and I accept that.

4. As some of the leaves fall from the trees around our house I can start to see our lake again and in the daytime it looks likes diamonds coming through the forrest.

5. I'm so glad I grew up in a family with four kids. I love the concept of big families but from where I stand it sounds daunting to have my own. I guess getting through those early years is the most challenging.

6. I hope we get rid of our bearded dragon soon (any takers?). He smells, has a growth and is generally grumpy ... but endearing like Oscar the Grouch.

7. We've lived in our house almost a year! Congrats to us for making it!

8. I believe this year is going to be amazing in a simple, contented way.

It's time

2008-10-06T20:43:00.005-05:00

to tell you the story of Maiya's homecoming. Three months have past, and I can laugh about it without crying. Again.

Throughout my pregnancy, I looked forward to the hospital stay that would follow Maiya's birth. I longed for the three or four days of rest. The image of the nurses at my beckon call and the plan to stay in bed kept me going on some of those hot summer days. I was ready to live up my hospital stay. Yes, I thought it would be like a vacation.

Maiya's birth was smooth. The c-section was painless (unlike Haven's) and I was so calm that I watched the doctor stitch my incision in the reflection in the operating room light. She came out, cried, was healthy and Dave accompanied her to the infant room as I recovered. I watched the clock for the hour I had to sit in the recovery room, and then pestered the nurse until she brought me my baby. She was amazing, tiny, and precisely what I wanted in my arms. Beautiful. Haven and my sister came later to meet Maiya, everyone was happy and lovey. That was Wednesday.

Thursday was holding Maiya, a few visitors, resting, eating and a walk to the bathroom.

I cannot explain what hit me on Friday, but I decided I had to go home. Had to. Hospital Vacation was over. I asked the doctor if I could leave. Lucky for me, he said, "In my country some women go home two days after a c-section. You have to promise me you won't do anything but lay down for a couple of days if I do release you." Yes, of course, yessir, you got it. He signed my release papers. Truth be told, I could have used another night in the hospital. I missed Haven and Dave, though, and I wanted to be together. I didn't just want to be together, we had to be together. I guess I can tell you what hit me on Friday: hormones of the post-pregnancy type.

It was about 6:00 PM and Dave came to the hospital with Haven for what was planned to be a brief, pre-bedtime visit.

"Let me just see if they'll let me go now." I got out of bed, which requires the upper body strength of a he-man after a c-section, and limped to the nurse's desk. When I got to the desk I asked if I could leave. I realized then that I had failed to mention to anyone except that one doctor my plans to leave two days early.

"Oh, really? You can't stand us anymore?" Her attempt at a joke was lost on me.

"I just miss my son."

"Aw, how old is your son?"

"Seventeen months." And the waterworks came then. They were unstoppable, and apparently motivating. It was like with my first sob the entire office was moved to action.

"Okay! We'll get you out of here. Let us just do the paperwork we need to do..."

I cried my way back to the room. The nurse came in a moment later to say they would do a blood test on Maiya before we could go.

Haven was ready for bed. The crankier he became, the more Dave held him, and then, the more an odor began to fill the room.

"Oh my gosh." Dave set Haven on the floor to find poop on his own shirt and up Haven's back. "Great." He settled in to clean it all up and discovered we had no diapers. We asked the nurse for a diaper and about fifteen stinky and sticky minutes later they produced a few diapers from the pediatric ward. Unfortunately, they had no clean t-shirt for Dave. So, as we waited for Maiya's blood test results Haven ran through my hospital room in a t-shirt and a borrowed diaper, alternating between crankiness and abundant curiosity. Maiya slept soundly in the little crib.

Dave packed up all of our things, not quite sure why I had to go home tonight, but wise enough to not question it too much. I limped around the room picking up a couple things to give the impression that I was helping, but mostly, the tears continued to flow and blocked my view. I saw Dave dressing Maiya and realized she was not going to wear the coming-home outfit I packed for her. This made the crying worse.

A nurse came in, and with one glance at our little guy, at me, (and probably one whiff of Dave) she said, "I'll see if we can get those results quickly."

Maiya was finally released and Dave hauled everything out to the car. When we were all finally in our seat belts and ready to leave, I was still crying and Haven was whining. "Can we just have fun, please?" Dave said.

This image of us will stay in my mind. It's funny. Well, it's funny now, now that my emotions are slightly less eruptive.

Snapshot.

2008-10-01T15:21:00.007-05:00

Maiya loves eye contact. Sometimes she's fussy simply because she wants somebody close, looking at her, focussing on her. She gives an amazing reward when she gets that attention; her smile. She's not too fond of the Bumbo seat and would rather sit in the bouncer or, especially, in somebody's arms. She now loves to wiggle her body on the floor and listen to all of the noise her big brother can make. She loves the outdoors. An amble out to the deck will calm her instantly. We went to feed the geese at the lake yesterday, and she smiled and smiled as she listened to the geese squawk. She absolutely loves the front carrier. It's another instant calmer. She has captured our hearts with her complete dependance and I-know-what-I-want personality.

Haven suddenly and completely loves trucks. We bought him a big Tonka dump truck this weekend and he cannot get enough of it. It sits next to him at meals, it waits in his room while he sleeps. It's not a ride-on truck, but he flips up the back and scoots around on it. He loves real trucks and yells "tu! tu!" repeatedly in the car, regardless of my response. He also likes songs with hand motions and knows all of the motions for the Wheels on the Bus. He learned (and I relearned) a bunch of preschool songs at story time at the library. He puts two words together occasionally, but regardless of the size of his ever-growing vocabulary, he gets his point across! At night, he kisses everybody then walks into his bedroom. He loves Elmo - Elmo's theme song, Elmo on TV, Elmo in a book, Elmo in a store, Elmo on his shirt - he is a total Elmo boy.

My baby is a toddler and turning into a little boy. I and think about it with pride and awe.

Our days are split between story times, play groups, naps and walks outside. When Daddy comes home we celebrate, we eat and we play. This is the first time in my life that I realized each day is hauntingly similar, but I don't find myself craving something more exciting.

Vacation station.

2008-09-23T15:08:00.004-05:00

We did it! Our first family vacation.

We, and our friends Janet, Andy, Andy J and Connor, drove to the Outer Banks in North Carolina where we rented a house and r-e-l-a-x-e-d. With a hot tub and a pool right on the property, it took us a couple of days to make it across the street to the ocean. We indulged in sea food, we took in the sun, we had time to sleep and to breath.

There are a few highlights of the trip and one was the night Dave and I went out. Alone. Buh-bye kiddies. We hopped a ferry to a Ocracoke Island (population 800) and ate sea food at a restaurant called the Back Porch. The breeze and bikes reminded me of the Bahamas.

There is a bunch more to say, but Not-So-Little Lungs is calling. There are pictures on our family website.

Two Kids.

2008-09-10T14:42:00.004-05:00

"I've pretty much lost control of my life." I hear myself telling my friend, "But it's good."

The thing about losing control is the realization that I never had it in the first place. I just had time to maintain a nice dellusion.

Both of my children are asleep, which I hope becomes more regular in the weeks to come. During the day, when it's just me at home, they like to do relay naps. Thanks, guys, no, I don't need a moment to myself.

I remember the realization hit me like a backhand slap when Haven was an infant - motherhood is a sacrifice. It is also a million wonderful things, but let's face it, people, it's a sacrifice of you-name-it. Body, sleep, career, time, money, showers.... When I was in YWAM the theory about challenges was that God was trying to teach something. I can think of as many lessons I need to learn as projects on my endless to-do list. I'll put it this way: I never realized how flawed I am until I became a mother. I don't say this to insult myself, I say it solemnly, with the realization that we are raising little mirrors.

On a lighter note, Maiya smiles all the time now. At all of us. I caught one on camera and it's on the sidebar. Haven loves her and this morning he entertained her while I did my morning hygiene routine (brushed my hair and teeth). The sweetness between the two of them is great.

quick one-handed update

2008-09-03T13:04:00.005-05:00

music fest.

lake day.

zoo day.

more when maiya remembers the joy of long naps again.

The Plea of Breastfeeding Mother.

2008-08-27T10:28:00.004-05:00

Maiya Adisen, we have got to talk. As you might have noticed, I am at your beckon call 24 hours a day. I have nourished you with my own body since the moment your life began, 11 months ago. Yes, I have left you three time since your birth, but when you're older you'll understand how much a couple of hours out alone means to a mother of an infant. In other words, I am working very hard to take care of you.

So I have one simple question: Why will you only smile at Daddy?!

I realize you have a wonderful Dad - I picked him out. Yes, I know he works hard to take care of you too. I realize you look like him. I get it - the father/daughter bond starts very young! But have ya noticed who rolls out of bed at 3 o'clock AM (and 1 o'clock, and 5 o'clock and every o'clock) to give you whatever you want? How about one, tiny flicker of a smile? Please. I will beg. I'm begging.

Can't get enough

2008-08-25T20:45:00.004-05:00

I know that some of you check our family website, and this picture is there as well, but I just had to post it. I know she's my child and I should just politely say "thanks" when somebody says she's cute. But I can't help it. Look at this little cutie!! She looks more like Dave than Haven, but I must say that I'm thrilled to see those big cheeks on her!

Normal Things

2008-08-19T10:01:00.009-05:00

After my exam at my 6 week postpartum check up, the doctor said, "Okay, everything is back to normal." I can only assume that when he said "everything" he meant to say "nothing."

A few days this week I have enjoyed more than stressed about the gigantic responsibility to TWO babies. I still don't know what to do when they're both crying, besides join in on the tears, but I'm working that out through trial and error.

Yesterday the three of us made it all the way to Brooklyn to visit Jes. I'm very proud of myself since I was working off of four hours of sleep. We walked around, had a picnic and I identified the various strollers we passed (in Brooklyn nobody owns your basic travel system). We made it home with just a short bout in bumper-to-bumper traffic with Maiya screaming her heart out and Haven saying "mo, mo" as he munched goldfish crackers. Maiya was soothed when I shut off the air and opened the windows so she could hear the oh-so-soothing sounds of New York City. Overall, two thumbs up for us.

I already have only faint memories of our family without Maiya. She just fits. She goes. She's just the person we were waiting for. She loves to cuddle, accepts Haven's less-than-dry kisses, loves fresh air and can howl like a coyote when she wants something. She took her first bath in the big tub last night - with me, sorry, no pictures - and loved it. We are waiting for her first "social" smile with baited breath. Everytime I think I see one, she spits up. What a little joker.

So, we're redefining our normal, and the definition is coming along just fine.

Maiya's World

2008-08-13T14:14:00.006-05:00

Okay, so far so good. The first month of my life hasn't been too bad. Lots of eating, sleeping, my parents seem nice....

Oh no! He found me! How do I get outa here? Where can I go?!

No, no more kisses! No, please! Put that tongue away!! Okay, okay, I love you too!

Listen, Mr. Innocent Face, the day will come when I can get outa this stinkin' Boppy and slobber all over YOUR face! Got it?

August Days

2008-08-06T11:05:00.005-05:00

We all could use a bath. I wonder what would happen if I plunked the three of us in one bubble bath. I picture Haven baptizing Maiya in bubbles. I picture shaving my legs while balancing an infant. I am confident that a bath is more likely to result in injury than in cleanliness. I decide to do it the old fashioned way, which is, not at all.

When Maiya pulls away, I lift her, pat her back for what feels like eternity, until she produces a ripe burp. Later, Haven burps in my face as I sing to him at nap time and I almost vomit. Maiya's burps however, still the result of nothing but breast milk, are almost sweet. She falls asleep with her ear pressed against my chest and my heart beat lulls her deeper into dreamland. Moments later, I lift us from the couch and Haven follows from his perch next to me. I put Maiya in her bed cozied by a pillow at her back. I look at Haven, who has already moved on to explore the one place in the kitchen where he can get to some pots. With a deep breath, I whisper a thankful prayer that I did not crumble into tears an hour previous when Haven was inconsolably whining and Maiya was happy with nothing less than my holding her.

Our house is unusually quiet, as our month-long string of visitors has just ended. I decide that after few days without company we will find the rhythm of a routine again. Actually, it may take weeks. The realization hits me as I finish the dishes I have already started three times this morning. I turn off the faucet to see pans strewn through the living room and the silence is interrupted by the crashing of two lids, a toddler symphony. I wonder if there is a childproof lock for the drawer beneath the oven.

We will take small steps these next few weeks. Cleaning the dishes might be a victory some days, and baths a revolution.

Sleep and dates and other good things.

2008-07-25T20:03:00.010-05:00

Maiya slept four hours straight two nights in a row. I think it was four hours. All that I can be sure of is the lack of dread I felt when I heard the birds start to sing at day break. That dread was replaced by a feeling that brings profound nestalgia. What's it called again? Oh yeah. Feeling rested.

Dave and I got to go out last night to dinner and a movie. We ate our current favorite restaurant - an busy Irish place close by. During the movie, my mind wandered to calculate the number of ounces of breastmilk I left for Maiya compared to how many hours I would be away. Of course, all calculations were for naught as I have no idea how many ounces she drinks while she's nursing. So, I returned my attention to the movie. Which was great. We saw Dark Night and while I only agreed to see it for Heath Ledger's riveting performance as the joker, the whole movie kept my interest. Anyway, it was wonderful to get out with Dave and have some time alone. And Maiya was just drinking the last of the milk I left her when we got home. It all makes me wish we had a regular babysitter so this could be possible more than once or twice a year.

The night was made possible by .... my mother-in-law and nephew, Brandon, who are visiting for a couple of weeks. They teamed up to watch Maiya and Haven while Dave and I painted the town red. Their visit has been lots of fun and Haven is fascinated by his older cousin. He can't get enough of that boy. When Brandon plays the Wii, Haven takes out an extra controller and just stands next to him. See that look of admiration on Haven's face?

Now Dave and his mom are taking in a baseball game on tv. Haven is asleep. Maiya is discovering the bliss of the swing. We let Brandon loose in the kitchen with a brownie mix. I think I'll just go cut myself a nice big piece before another night begins. Here's to another 4-hour stretch of sleep!

Baby Days

2008-07-18T10:08:00.004-05:00

Today is my first day alone with two kids. Yikes. So far so good. But we've only been awake a couple of hours. One perk to having these two so close together is that Haven is young enough that he still needs at least one long nap a day, and sometimes two. Alas, I have a few moments to write (at the expense of a neat house, but whatever).

I lifted this picture from my Dad's website, courtesy of my stepmom's photography skills. That's me, my Dad and Maiya, and my sister Rebecca with Haven.

I've been reading in all of my spare time - meaning, the middle of the night. I just finished Made in the USA by Billie Letts. She also wrote the book-turned-movie Where the Heart Is. They're fun reads. At about 2 AM last night I started a Jodi Picoult book. Her books are usually pretty intense. I'm so tired I can barely put a sentance together, so please understand why these are not more thrilling reviews.

What else? The nurse laughed yesterday when, at my check up, I asked about birth control. I had just lugged two babies up two flights of stairs, put Maiya's carrier on a shelf where Haven could not reach and tackled Haven into my lap so he would not explore the trash can labled Medical Waste Only. I could hardly breath. You'd think I might ask, "How much weight, exactly, can I lift without my incision ripping open?" Nope. I asked about birth control. I quickly added, "I love these guys" and smiled broadly. I wanted to go on to explain that I think I will be a the best mom I can be if I have a few years off from making more babies, it's not that I don't like babies, I love them, I just want to be a good mom, help me, please! But I figured that was too much information for a nurse I just met.

Okay. That's all for now. More coffee please.

ramblings

2008-07-16T15:52:00.013-05:00

Maiya is two weeks old today. Already?

So far my mom and two sisters have each visited for a few days, easing the transition from a family of three to a family of four. It was fun to see them care for Haven while I was suspended to the couch, nursing Maiya. I see traces of myself in each of them and I think Haven appreciated the familiarity. The amount of support we've had these past two weeks is astonishing. Meals, rides, diaper changes, cleaning and laundry were all part of the help. Though my recovery from the c-section has been swift, I cannot imagine having had all of those things to handle alone.

Haven's adjustment to Maiya has been relatively smooth. I could not tell what he was thinking until one morning, a few days ago, when he and I were the first ones awake. I got him out of his crib and he ran out to the living room and looked in Maiya's car seat and then in the bouncer and then up at me - confused. Yesterday, when I took a moment to check my email, I saw Haven traveling between his bedroom and the pack n' play - where Maiya napped - back and forth, back and forth. When I looked in the pack n' play, Maiya was surrounded by her socks. Haven can reach her sock drawer and must have thought either her feet were cold ... or she needed to keep her socks out of his room. Hope it was the former.

Maiya looks a lot like Dave's side of the family, I think. She has jet black hair and long fingers and toes. I think she especially looks like Dave's mom. What a beautiful girl, if I do say so myself. It's hard to describe how I feel about my little girl. I think so much about the things that we'll do in years to come, I imagine what it will be like for her to have me as a mother, I think of all of the things I hope that she finds in me. I think of the things that I want to help her to develop: a relationship with God, a good body image, confidence, how to pick friends, a sense of humor... She's lying in my lap nursing right now. Looking at a new baby is as close as we can get to a glimpse of the future.

So, I feel much more relaxed in the aftermath of this pregnancy than I did in that of Haven's. What I appreciate most is that I do not dread the night. I know what it will be. Long and relatively sleepless. But I also know that these sleepless nights are a temporary phase. Now, with two, the nights are my only alone time with my baby. I can stare at her endlessly without guilt that I might be neglecting Haven. I can hold her and change her and feed her and burp her with no interruptions. The nights are our special time.

Additionally, I am not as blindsided by the looks of my body after this second birth. Of course my arms are riddled with bruises and my abdomen is puffy and wounded and my eyes are dark with fatigue. Of course. But it is temporary (except, maybe, the puffy abdomen). Maiya will not always weigh less than 7 pounds. She will not always nurse 4 times a night. She will not always nurse. I am going to enjoy this season. As I watch my 17-month-old son tear apart the house I nurse his sister, I am aware how quickly this infant stage passes. I just want to treasure it.

I realize this is not the attitude I may have tomorrow, or in an hour, or at 3:30 AM, but generally this is how I feel - all is good. This season is one to embrace.

quick update: exhausted & happy

2008-07-11T20:08:00.001-05:00

Our precious daugther is here!

2008-07-05T08:53:00.003-05:00

Dave, Haven and I present...

Maiya Adisen
Born July 2, 2008
6 pounds, 14 ounces, 20 inches

(More photos on our family site.)

She's healthy and sleepy and nursing well!

The c-section went better than I could have expected and recovery has been relatively good, except for a major cases of the itchies as the anestesia wore off. The result? I scratched my nose so much during the night that I look like Rudolph.

We are now home and survived the first night, during which she nursed at least once an hour.

Feel free to call our house if you'd like to ... I'll be here nonstop for quite a few days to come.

More later. You know, in a few months when I'm running on more than 4 hours of chopped up sleep and half a cup of coffee.

Life these Days

2008-07-01T15:31:00.007-05:00

Tomorrow is baby day. Here are some not-natural self portraits, but at least you will get the basic 9-months-pregnant idea....

"I LOVE being pregnant! What's not to love about gaining weight, exhaustion and gasping for air every time I climb the stairs?!"

" Don't you come steal my baby."

"Yeah, I'm totally relaxed. No, I did not wake up at 4 o'clock this morning in a panic about how I will take care of two children. Not me. I'm cool as a cucumber."

I don't have any explanation for this.

So, in other news, I was having a particularly stressful day one day last week, and just as I was trying to get a bunch of stuff done in a short amount of time, comic relief walked into the room:

Haven discovered that this basket is see through. He walks all over the house with it on his head and that bucket in his hand.

Okay, that's it for now. Tomorrow I go under the knife. When I return to this blog, I will be the mother of two. Let's hope I actually am able to return to this blog once I am the mother of two.

Our Empathic Little Guy

2008-06-20T15:30:00.006-05:00

We were out late. 8:30 pm. Haven was in the shopping cart and we were perusing Sport's Authority for free weights. While Dave calculated how expensive the number of pounds he can lift would be at $.99/pound, I watched Haven watch other shoppers. A distracted woman walked by and Haven bestowed upon her his toothy, attention-grabber grin. The one that grabs Dave or my attention anytime he does it.

The woman just walked by. Not a glance at The Cute One.

I watched Haven's face, and the grin faded as he watched the woman walk away. I wanted to grab him and tell him that I will always think he is an adorable, perfect miracle. Instead, I contained myself, and watched as he processed. More than how much I don't want him to feel rejection, I want him to be able to handle it when he does.

We are realizing that we've got a sensitive boy on our hands. The other day Dave and I were going back and forth about who came up with which of Haven's nicnames. I said I came up with Pumps, he said he first called him Pumpkin, which is where I got Pumps. We must have sounded pretty enthusiastic because Haven looked at both of us and broke into tears.

Our house is generally quiet and we change the TV channel if somebody is yelling or crying (as this has also caused him to cry). I think maybe this child loves him some peace.

Yesterday one of his little friends was at our house - she's weeks old - and Haven dropped a remote control right next to her. She was startled and began to cry. Haven cried too.

Today we were with another of his friends and she played in her exersaucer while Haven tore through their house inspecting anything he could get his hands on. Anyway, at one point she cried when her mommy left the room. My son's eyebrows furrowed and he reached out both of his arms and tried to hug her over the exersaucer. Then, when that didn't stop her tears, he cried with her.

I wonder if this co-crying will vanish with a couple of weeks of living with an infant. I imagine it will. I don't imagine that his sensitive nature will vanish, though.

I want to teach him to be proactive about his feelings and to think about other people. I want him to learn to think beyond the first things that come to mind. I would have loved to say to him the other night, "Why do you think that woman didn't acknowledge your cute face? Maybe she's very busy. What do you think she's busy doing?" Or about his friends, "It is very sad that your friend is sad, how can you help her?" I want to teach him to use that kind, gentle heart as it was created to be used.

Post Father's Day Thoughts

2008-06-16T15:57:00.007-05:00

Haven loves Dave. I love to see it.

When Dave plays softball on Saturday afternoons, Haven cheers. Both teams can hear it. His cheer is a loud shriek: "Daaaaa!" Dave waves at him from the field and hi-fives him between innings.

I love sharing all of this with Dave. A lot of people love Haven, but nobody shares the obsession of every tiny milestone the child reaches like two parents. I love talking to Dave endlessly about our baby. We sometimes miss all of that alone time we used to have, but this season offers new bonding material, more of life to love together.

I think Dave has unique traits that make him an exceptional father. He's kind of like the scent of lavender; you can't help but relax when he's around. I hope that our kids inherit the peace that Dave eminates. I hope that they are as confident about the future and fun loving as he is. I hope that when they are older they realize the enormous gift Dave is to them from God.

I hope that Haven always laughs with Dave the way he does now. I pray that they are close

I guess that I say all of this to say one thing: I am thankful. This is what resonates within me. There is some chaos and I have fluctuating emotions, but the deep and lasting truth is that I am thankful.

Heat Wave

2008-06-10T09:10:00.005-05:00

I am still waiting for a drive of energy to kick in, as is our cat, as you can see. I spend a lot of the day calculating how much longer I have to prepare for the baby. The heat has caused my energy level to plummet deeper than pregnancy could alone. I am so glad that I did not plan to go to Creation with Dave in a couple of weeks. I cannot imagine the torment that would be at 38 weeks pregnant. Janet, our boys and I will have a nice time sitting in the air-conditioned house or swimming at a lake.

Even Haven is cranky and he pins his sticky body around my sticky legs and lets out the motor-cry that only children can create. My friend, who doesn't have kids, said she's afraid if a child did that to her she would instinctively kick him off of her legs. This comment made me feel quite tolerant and confident that I unearthed my motherly instincts at some point.

Somebody please tell me why this pregnancy I look smaller, but feel infinitely more tired, worn, and older. Perhaps because I have been pregnant for 18 of the past 26 months?!

I think I will take a lesson from my sweet son. Yesterday I found him lying on the floor in the bathroom, studying a small toy - right in front of the coldest air conditioning vent in the house.

Summertime Fun

2008-06-04T12:33:00.005-05:00

Memorial Day day relaxation, with two people I think are awesome - Janet & Haven.

Premise: We have ultra limited closet space in our house.
Me: I wish I had somewhere to hang the baby's dresses. And space for a changing table.

Dave:

That's right, it's a changing table on top and a closet with bonus drawers on the bottom, designed, built and painted by own husband. Suweeet.

This summer is Haven's first to enjoy the wonders of a playground.

I've been busy ... surviving. You know, breathing. Eating. Waddling. Yesterday the doc informed me that her head is resting on my pelvic bone - don't worry, you'll be more comfortable once her head descends - awesome. I find it unfair that it is in the weeks leading to the most sleepless time of your life it is the most difficult to get to sleep. So, even lying down to rest has become a challenge. Yesterday, on the phone, somebody asked if that was me breathing so heavy. Of course it is, I just walked across the living room.

So far, our summer has been wonderful and I am settling in for one that I'm sure I'll remember as a favorite. We're going to meet our little girl and and a new baby means lots of friends and family around the house. We have a deck on which to have barbecues and playtime. Haven is big enough to do fun stuff, like splash in the baby pool and eat Popsicles.

I know it's gonna be good. Stay tuned.

Yay!

2008-05-21T13:24:00.005-05:00

The Walk.

Melissa & I - smartypantses.

Jes, trying to entertain Haven during the absolutely not enthralling ceremony.

My Dad, schlepping everybody's stuff.

Thanks for all of the support, love!

Haven: "So... when are we gonna ditch this joint
so I can get something to eat?"

Purpose. Glory.

2008-05-20T07:00:00.006-05:00

The other day my mom said, "God has great plans for your life." Has. Like He has yet to give them to me.

In the past I imagined "great plans" meant long term missions to remote tribes, authorship of best-selling books, speaking events. When I was a kid there was always a sense that something better was coming down the pike if I could just hold on for it. I interpreted this to mean that "regular" life was not and could never be purposeful.

David Crowder has a new song that Dave and I can't stop listening to and it's called the Glory of it All. The chorus goes like this:

Oh, the glory of it all
Is He came here
For the rescue of us all
That we may live
For the glory of it all
Oh, the glory of it all
(David Crowder)

I believe that I'm living the Great Plans God has for me, though my life has never been more regular in well, the "regular" sense. These Great Plans are this relationship with God; His rescue of me. Additionally, I have people in my life to love and be loved by. Also Great.

I was probably 12 years old when I wrote a letter to Elisabeth Elliot and asked her, "Why do we exist? Why does God exist? What's the point of everything?" When you are a 12-year-old home school girl, you are pretty sure somebody like Elisabeth Elliot will have the answer to this question. She replied to me - which was more exciting than getting a letter from Madonna (also thanks to the home school life) - and said simply that this is a question that philosophers have asked for ages. Since we are human we do not understand everything. I got the impression that she was saying ... for the glory of it all.

Here is to that glory in my life today. The purpose I have in faith spills out into purpose in the ways I love Dave, Haven, my little girl, my sisters, parents, friends ... and the people who are less easy to love. May you find the glory of your life, may you see that it is not just a tiny distant speck but an enormous present light.

a word to the wise

2008-05-15T08:03:00.004-05:00

Today is free Ice Coffee Day at
Dunkin Donuts!

See their website for to find one.

Life's like that.

2008-05-13T08:55:00.010-05:00

The cool air has returned, reminding me that it is not yet Summer and Spring may wax and wane for a few more days. I put up a countdown on our whiteboard for how long it is until the baby comes: 7 more weeks. I guess I won't buy diapers on today's trip to the store, tempting as it will be. Haven's naps have been eratic; he slept yesterday for 4 hours straight but only 1 hour on Sunday. I'm just about done with school; it's so close I can taste it and have no desire to do those last few assignments.

We had a fun Mother's day. When I say we, perhaps I should say I, because I was waited on all day long. Dave cooked, cleaned up, we went for a hike, watched a movie and ate homemade (by Dave) ice cream sandwiches. Thanks, Babe! I hope my fellow mamas also had a relaxing, fun day!

Now that Haven is down for his nap, I have a few things to do, but I prefer to sit here and write and look out the window. Here, in this last room to get organized in our home. I've given myself the deadline of next Tuesday to finish it. My Dad is coming then for my graduation and he'll need to be able to get to the bed without getting hurt. I like to give myself generous deadlines.

Maybe this goes on my pregnancy blog, but it's kind of strange to know that a baby is coming and not have the need to raid Babies R Us. Since Haven was a baby two seconds ago, we still have all of his things for this one to use. Excited grandparents have supplied us with the only thing we didn't have: girl's clothes. I did splurge a little on a beautiful bassinet. I found it on craigslist in perfect condition for a third of the new price. It currently stands in Haven's room holding the doll Dave bought her; a symbol of who is to come. And we've decided on a name. So she's graduated from "the baby" to ... well, it's a secret.

That's life around here. Oh, and one more thing. We saw these three bears walking through our 'hood when we left for church on Sunday.

2008-05-06T12:56:00.008-05:00

In just a couple of weeks I will don that goofy graduation getup and get the most attention I've received since Haven was born (maybe about 5 whole seconds) while my name is called and I am handed a piece of paper that represents the diploma that I won't officially earn until the end of June. What a charade. But I wouldn't miss it.

I'm so happy that I'm going to be finished with school. I guess that goes without saying for most people. But it's been a lot of work for three years. Between working and two pregnancies and moving - I am so ready to get on with my life.

Just as the the culmination of my education began to sink into my soul, Dave said, "I'd like you to think about getting a PhD." I looked at him like he was a crazy person and said that if I do get a PhD it will be in Nutrition. I think that almost changed his mind. The last thing he'd like is an increase in the whole wheat bread to potato bread ratio around here. Or, for me to finally say, "Potatoes are not vegetables" and subsequently serve only his vegetable nemesis. The green ones. So, with the, ah, broccoli dangling, I continue to bask in my great accomplishment. My last graduation.

Haven Baby

2008-04-25T17:13:00.006-05:00

It's been a little while since I've bragged about my boy, so, here goes.

I cannot believe how much he understands. He loves to climb the stairs, but I only let him when I hover on the step below. When I say, "Haven, do you want to go upstairs?" he drops whatever he's doing and runs to the bottom of the stairs. While I was making dinner tonight, I grabbed something out of the fridge and the door swung back open. I said, "Haven, would you close the refrigerator for mommy?" He walked to the door and started to close it (until he saw the eggs were within his reach - but it's the thought that counts, especially at 14 months old).

He understands tone. I could use the phrase, "Haven, what are you doing?" in several ways and by the expression on his face - either guilty or a big smile - I can tell that he understands why I'm asking.

His expressive communication isn't too shabby either. So far, his words include: all done, dog, more, mom, dad, and cricket (our cat). Ok, I'll admit, only Dave and I recognize some of those words, but we're impressed. I think he's got others as well, but we're still deciphering them.

I know he'll be a fun big brother. He already plays peek-a-boo using a hat, the laundry or whatever he can find. I have also taught him to put something in my mouth to make me stop crying and plan to utilize this skill of his with little H2, if she takes a pacifier.

He loves to eat, which makes cooking for him a joy. Some foods he likes are blueberry pancakes, blueberry muffins, rice, meatloaf, grilled cheese sandwiches, broccoli, cauliflower, black beans, chili and the old stand by, pasta. He also doesn't mind food with a little spice and had a great time eating at Thai place recently.

He's just come through a phase of great protest to baths and diaper changes. That was not fun. I think he has finally accepted that hygiene is important.

His personality is still pretty laid back, though he has started to throw a few tantrums. He likes to walk around the house with a pen in his hand (or any pointy object he can find, you know, we just leave 'em lying around for him) and taking the pen usually results in a brief tantrum. If he is hungry, he literally hangs on my two legs while I cook and whines - what fun! I'll say it again, though, I'm pretty sure he's an easy baby.

Finally, my favorite, favorite part of every day with him is reading and singing before his nap times. He runs over to the papasan chair, curls up with me and we read stories. We then go in his room and he puts his chubby hands on my shoulders and his head in the nape of neck and I sing to him. Suddenly, in those moments, a part of me is alive that has never been before.

Losing

2008-04-16T09:15:00.006-05:00

My husband loves sci-fi. So, the new season of Battlestar Galactica has begun. This is a show about humans who had to leave earth and have to survive in outer space. Their enemies are cylons and cylons looks just like humans. At the end of last season, a key character, Starbuck, died. This season, she's back. There are myriad details I am missing, because I consider Battlestar Galactica time to be my nap time.

From what I gather, Starbuck has possibly turned into a cylon. Or perhaps she has been one along. She's not sure and neither are the other humans. I always liked her character because she's fiesty and says frack a lot (which is a hilarious substitute for the real f-word). I keep thinking about how confused she must be. What would it be like to suddenly lose all that you believe you are?

What would that be like for me?

What would it mean for me to learn that what I live my life for - God - is a fabrication? What if suddenly I knew that God was not who I think he is or that he was not existant at all? Aside from the shock and confusion, my thoughts wandered to one key question:

What would I miss the most?

The knowledge that I am going to heaven after this life?

Somebody to pray to?

A church family?

The confidence that there is somebody bigger than I am out there?

An example of how to live?

I would miss my relationship with Jesus the most. I try to put this into words. I would not miss the religion of Christianity, the theology, even the history. I would miss my friend. When The Passion of the Christ came out, my sister refused to see it because she said she could not watch somebody she loves so much go through all of that. This is how I feel about Jesus, too. He's God, and strong, and the Creator of the world and the judge of my eternal destiny - and He is my closest friend.

He listens when I am confused. He is patient when I take forever to learn a lesson. He is kind when I'm not. He expects me to love him and care about what he cares about. I believe that my desire to do good and "follow rules" simply comes out of my desire to be a friend of God's. I do nice things for my friends because I care about them, not because I'm obligated to or scared.

Anyway, poor Starbuck. I don't want to imagine my life minus my lifeline. I can't look at it. It is too awful.

This week.

2008-04-11T17:17:00.005-05:00

I've got an apendage we'll call Haven, so this might be brief. It is after 6 o'clock. We've eaten. Cleaned up. We look forward to when Daddy will be home. Right now, Haven alternates between repeating anything that makes me laugh and standing and smiling very close to my face. He's so cute that it's hard to resist a throw-down tickle session. But I'm so tired.

Haven and I went to Delaware to see my friend Janet and her fam for a couple of days. I love Janet. It's fun to be in the baby-phase (or daze) of life together. She said she's surprised at how much I love being a mom. I agree, nothing has baffled me more. I knew I'd love my children, but I wasn't sure I'd love the huge and constant job of motherhood. Turns out, I sure do (most of the time).

I realized on my drive home that I haven't told Janet what an amazing mom she is -probably because it is so obvious to me. But encouragement can be one of the most beautiful gifts. So, Janet, I was going to send a card, but I'd rather make a public announcement: your mom skills are remarkable. I hope to be as carefree yet conciencous are you. I hope to live the level of commitment to my family and my faith that you do. Thanks for all of the notes along the way!

It did take me a while to finish this post - about 48 hours. It's now Sunday night and we've had a relaxing weekend to top off our week. I have my Master's project to work on so I logged onto blogger for a distraction. Dave started softball this weekend and I wish I had taken a picture of Haven is his sun hat (and, if you must know, one of Dave in his cute baseball pants). I could write about my two guys all night, so, I'll simply say, good night.

I got this. I hope.

2008-04-04T07:03:00.006-05:00

There are times when I can feel the full weight of my responsibilities. I cannot remember a time when I was not responsible for something, or, at least, thought I was. It is hard to remember what it was like to have the singular responsibility to clean my bedroom, or serve coffee, or pay $250 for rent. Even the more complex responsibilities of working full time as a newlywed feel simple.

Haven sits with his book basket next to the fire place. He digs through the hard-paged stories, opens one, babbles for a moment, then turns to the next. He looks at them upside down, right side up; he studies them. I am aware that he is my greatest responsibility ever, in both the large and wonderful senses of the word.

A new responsibility I have is as the leader of two groups at the counseling center. I have led groups before, but those were about social skills, personal boundaries, grooming and hygiene - concepts I like to think I understand thoroughly. These groups, however, are on chemical abuse, addiction and recovery. Not something in which I planned to specialize.

It was more comfortable to silently write the progress notes for the group than it is to facilitate. But nobody promised comfort when I decided to become a therapist. (Don't think that I got a promotion. I'm still an unpaid intern who is simply covering for a maternity leave.) I cannot rattle off knowledge about the short and long term effects of various drugs, I cannot spout off various detox drugs and their own potential for addiction, I cannot even give a detailed description of local rehab centers. Okay, take a deep breath... I can, however, give a damn about the people in front of me and their recovery, I can expect change and rewrite treatment plans to accomadate the individual's needs, I can confront, I can encourage, I can keep myself from believing it is my job to fix them, I can create an environment that fosters change. And, well, I can look up that other stuff in a book and letcha know next week. I encourage myself that studies show novice therapists are often as effective as seasoned therapists, especially in behavioral-based therapies. I imagine this is because we are not burned out and we are eager to succeed.

I find that as my responsibilties grow in complexity, they also grow in fulfillment. If they do not, they probably are not worth my time. Of course, when I am scrubbing behind the toilet, I have to remember that it is only a part of the sublime job of being home with Haven full time. Sometimes it's in that big picture I find the rewards. They are there.

So, I will embrace this terrifying responsibility of a group therapist. This is why I started this whole school-thing, isn't it? My plan was to be a missionary, to offer hope. I realized a college education would be an asset. So, I hit the books. That was seven years of education ago. At least 50 college-level classes. You'd think I would feel slightly more confident.

Happy Anniverary to Us!

2008-03-31T22:09:00.007-05:00

Here we are. Away, alone. Not sure what to do since we have no toddler to keep up with.

We explored the area a little bit. There were a lot of coffee shops and counseling centers - so I felt very at-home there. I'm not sure why I look I'm in a little bit of pain here. Perhaps I've forgotten how to relax?
Pretty.

I enjoyed the anticipation and relaxation of our customary surprise anniversary trips. Dave plans the odd years, I plan the even. This year, we got in the car with our overnight bag and drove to an adorable coastal town in Connecticut. I have not had so much relaxation in, oh, fourteen months.

I forgot to pack my bathing suit, so we visited a local WalMart. Bathing suit shopping is never fun for me. It's usually unsuccessful. It's always cause for a serious conversation with God about my proportions. But, I wanted to swim. So, we dug through the small selection of suits available at the end of March. In Connecticuit. At WalMart. And ... I found the cutest tankini with boy shorts! (I love when a bathing suit is neither old-ladyish nor a constant comprise on coverage.) Anyway, I swam until my ciatic nerve turned me into an old lady. Even in that cute suit.

On Sunday we walked around two local towns and went to the spa. We had the most delicious baked French fries. We ate sea food. We got to focus on us.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Aunt Jes and Charlie stayed with Haven. Haven went on a couple of hikes and experienced a stream for the first time. When we got home, and I took Haven from Jes, he did a few double takes between us. Did he realize she wasn't me?!

Happy third anniversary to us! Here's to three more! (don't worry, that's my little joke i say every year)

Newsflash

2008-03-27T11:43:00.008-05:00

At almost 14 months old, Haven shows that he does, in fact, have teeth inside those gums. The first one broke through today! He just stopped nursing 2 weeks ago; what impeccable timing!

These are the the things that highlight my life right now. They're simple, and they are good.

Sometimes less everything.

2008-03-25T09:04:00.004-05:00

I find
Myself here in this
Triage of selves, am I
One of the healers, or one of
The injured. Or both,
Locking eyes in an effort
To create healing, change
And hope.

I am found in this
Silent commission
That is a power
Struggle and an alliance. Is
It always so profound, or
Do I cause the complexity?
I reach to heal, and clearly see
To be healed is to surrender.

All kinds of hope for us

2008-03-20T09:03:00.006-05:00

I've had some great times with God lately. It is one of the best times of my day, in the morning, a couple of hours after breakfast. It is just before Haven's naptime and he's in my lap with his bottle and we are reading the Bible. The Jesus Storybook Bible, to be exact.

I haven't gotten so much from Bible reading in a while. Go ahead and laugh; it's funny to see a grown woman cry over a children's version of the story of Abraham and Isaac. Yes, I am hormonal but I (have to) believe that God speaks through that. Sometimes more clearly than ever.

The stories are beautifully clear. You do not have to have a great knowledge of Hebrew culture or history to see that each story in the Bible points to hope. Jesus was coming and did come to make a way for us to be saved from the sin in this world so that we could have a relationship with Him. He sacrificed it all for us. His son. The magnitude of that is something I have only started to grasp since my own son was born. I cannot say that I would give him up for the sake of the world. (I imagine you're relieved that I am not God.)

My Dad mentioned recently how strange it is that Christians don't celebrate Easter as the biggest holiday of the year. We might call it the biggest holiday, but our celebration is on rank with Thanksgiving, while Christmas is in a league of it's own. Maybe it's different in some families, but that's how it has always been for me.

God's sacrifice is something that I only begin to understand. We crave a savior and somebody who will cover us. There are a ton of movies in which the hero gives his life to save others. We love that. We cry and we are stunned. I hope that the great love of God is something that you see clearly this week.

No wonder "no" is one of his first words...

2008-03-19T12:58:00.012-05:00

My son is into everything. He does not discriminate. Electrical sockets, the sealant around the fireplace, the entertainment center, pots, trash, the toilet brush. Everything. Except for the mound of toys that litter the living room floor.

The weird white puffy stuff around the fireplace is ugly enough without being picked apart by tiny fingers. I had already pulled him down about a hundred times today, so finally, I just took a picture. Hopefully this stage will be funny one day.

Keeping up with the supermodels.

2008-03-17T20:05:00.008-05:00

Let's talk about beauty. I'm not talking about what comes from your heart, I'm talking about looks. Yes, I know people who are loving and kind are beautiful. I agree. I do feel good when I'm all pretty on the outside, though (read: my hair is not greasy and I don't smell). Since these things have lost their commonality for me, I've gotta tell you about the things that clean me up good.

Refresh Shampoo by Trader Joe's

Unlike most people, I don't think Trader Joe's is an excellent place to find bargains. However, they do have a few little gems in that store. This shampoo and conditioner smells great and costs about $3 a bottle. It's very clarifying, which is helpful for a person who showers about 3 times a week. (What? Do you shower more than that? Sowhat.)

(FYI, their other bargain is wine. If you're lucky enough to live near a Trader Joe's that sells wine, you'll be surprised by the delicious taste for $3-5 a bottle!!)

Anyway, on to more beauty products...guaranteed to make you non-gross!

Oil of Olay facial cleanser: is inexpensive, gentle and effective. Helps keep some of the zits at bay.
Mary Kay balancing lotion is so nice and smooth and non-greasy. When I can't get that for a bargain, I sometimes use straight vitamin E lotion. I like to think I'm delaying wrinkles (don't we all?) but they're already starting to show up.
I love all things Burt's Bees, and this toner is quite refreshing. Though, I've been told by experts that toner is pointless.
Degree deodorant ... you know the drill. Some deodorants just work for you, while others, well, you learn the hard way that they don't. So far, this one has been good to me. Helps with the smell-free thing.

This is a hair product Dave and I can both use on our hair - his is super curly and mine is pretty fine. It keeps his hair under control and gives mine a little life. What's that? You think it must be magic? Maybe it is, but it can be your magic for less than $4, baby.

What stuff do you use?

Haven's photo shoot...

2008-03-17T19:58:00.001-05:00

Entertainment & stuff

2008-03-13T11:53:00.003-05:00

I am reading a couple of great books. I'll elaborate once I've finished, by for now, they are Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller and Sex God by Rob Bell.

Through our cable company, we receive two free tickets to the movies on Tuesdays nights. (If anybody from home group reads this: this has nothing to do with why we asked to switch home group from Tuesdays to Wednesdays. Absolutely nothing.) Anyway, Dave and I have taken turns since that's easier than arranging childcare. A couple of weeks ago I saw Vantage Point, which was mediocre and that is all I'll say about that. This week, Danna and I saw The Other Boleyn Girl, which was intense. Though I'm not usually a fan of historical fiction, I found the story gripping. I have never associated with anybody so desperate and shameless for power and this story about the controversies in birthing a male heir for King Henry revolved around just that.

Haven and I have had some fun lately. We joined a playgroup on Thursday mornings and he has successfully avoided a beat down by the older kids. Mostly, he loves running and crawling around the giant room. I love the conversation, mommyese at it may be, but mostly I love that Haven can roam around and there is nothing for him to destroy or be destroyed by.

I think that the weather will break any minute now and I can't wait to explore the trails around our house. Is it safe to put Haven in a back carrier while I'm pregnant? Our pastor and his family were missionaries to Tajikistan before they started the church and she told me that in Tajikistan they work pregnant women harder so that the baby will be strong. This is what I tell myself when I wonder if I'm going to literally break in half when I lug Haven, his diaper bag and three bags of groceries in from the car. Of course, I am then rendered useless on the couch, but at least I got us all inside.

I hope to have an excuse to put down all of this indoor entertainment very soon. This winter was long for me. It has only been a couple of weeks that the majority of our yard was not covered in some variation of snow. I can enjoy my books and movies, but in my heart, I'm an outdoor girl.

Are you two twins?

2008-03-10T12:16:00.005-05:00

Uh, no, mother and son.

Dave posted this on his blog, but I had to post it here as well.

Bored much?

2008-03-04T08:28:00.009-05:00

We had a fun weekend in Delaware with our friends Janet, Andy and their two kids. Haven had a great time traveling around their house and was rivetted by their boys (ages 2 and 4). He laughed a lot, which made me laugh a lot.

We are home now. Again. As usual. Doing our normal thing. Breakfast. Blocks. Maybe a show (we like to cheer for people on American Idol). I told Janet that I think Haven gets bored at home with just me, she said, "Well, don't you get bored with just him?" I have my moments.

Now that he takes two naps a day, we have a window of about 2 hours in which to get out of the house each day, before we're in the danger zone (read: if he falls asleep in the car, forget about the afternoon nap and any cranky-free time with Daddy later). Since we live about 15 minutes from most stores, this limits us. We're getting to know the librarians well.

I know. I've absolutely captivated you with these thoughts.

There is nowhere I'd rather be, though. I'd rather stare blankly at Haven and wonder what to do next than be a thriving professional. For now. This is the time to be home and it's good. The identity storm I've battled the past few months is starting to subside.

Lori

2008-02-29T09:59:00.008-05:00

Editor's Note: Janet and Andy pointed out that this starts out like eulogy. Please know that Lori is alive and well...
Lori and I met 10 years ago when we both ventured to Youth with a Mission's Tyler, Texas base for Discipleship Training School. She from Florida, and I from Delaware. She had beautiful thick hair and a sweet way with the guitar.

In one of my first memories of her, she and I are walking back to our dorm one night after we watched the X-Files with some friends. She says she would only wear a bikini on her honeymoon and I think, This girl is gonna talk about marriage all the time. Doesn't YWAM really stands for Young Women After Men?

As it turned out, Lori had plenty to say about things that had nothing to do with marriage. She wrote songs that made me want to sit in the loft of our dorm and drink hot chocolate while daydreaming about the complicated goodness of life. At our ages, we were at the cusp of self discovery. I was wide-eyed and innocent and she was thoughtful and grounded. Our personalities were so different that we quickly developed a tight bond. We could see eachother's blind spots. We brought a balance to the other person.

A few days before the school was over, my Mom called to tell me that my parents were separated. Lori knew the difficulty of divorce and she listened to me and hugged me and promised I would get through it.

The past ten years have held marriage and a baby boy for each of us. We stood by the other in our weddings (the photo of Lori is from my wedding - doesn't she look stunning?). We swap truths about motherhood on too-rare phone calls. While our lives hold some differences, the warmth of her friendship will always be familiar. We have not see eachother in almost three years since we are separated by about 900 miles and busy schedules. One day we'll visit again and our kids will play and we'll drink hot chocolate (spiked with a little espresso, I imagine).

Now, Lori, I just have one question for you: did you wear a bikini on your honeymoon?

Easy & Delicious

2008-02-21T10:20:00.003-05:00

These are two things I love in a recipe. My biggest problem in the kitchen is that I don't add enough flavor. We often load up on the salt and pepper at the dinner table. Anyway, we saw a version of this recipe for meatloaf on Easy Entertaining with Michael Chiarello. Dave said it is the best meat loaf he's ever had - it has so much flavor! You can see the original recipe here, this is how I made it (based on ingredients I had in the house and what we like):

2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
1/2 onion, diced
2 teaspoons (about 3 cloves) chopped garlic
1 pound ground beef
2 eggs
3/4 cup ground up stuffing mix (throw the stuffing in the food process for a few secs or just chop it up)
3/4 cup ricotta
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar
2 tablespoons chopped basil leaves
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
1 cup marinara sauce (I used jarred, but if you make your own, go with your bad self)

Saute the onion and garlic in the olive oil and let cool. Mix them in with all of the indgedients, except for the marinara. Pour the marinara on top. Put it in a loaf pan (the original recipe said to oil the pan, which I did, but I doubt that it's nessecary). Bake at 350 degrees for about 50 minutes.

My only compaint about this recipe is that I couldn't scoop the oil off of the top since it has the sauce. So, you could do that in the middle of the cooking time and then add sauce if you're adamant about minimizing fat. An easier thing would be to use ground turkey, if your fam will go for it. Or, enjoy it as it is. It doesn't taste greasey.

Thanks Michael Chiarello!

Back in the driver's seat

2008-02-19T08:25:00.010-05:00

Our front door has a large glass panel and Haven spends a lot of time sitting next to it in silence. Deep, brooding silence. I once went running through the house because I could not find that little boy, and found him there, staring out the door.

After we eat breakfast each morning, he has a little alone time. He plays alone and I check email and do the dishes. He is accustomed to this routine, and rarely gets into things that are off limits during this time. He looks through his books, tosses the big legos around, plays with Crickett or as I mentioned, looks out the door.

Last week I realized the importance of alone time. For me. I have to find moments in my own day to go sit in a peaceful place and have deep, brooding silence. This is impossibe if my little boy refuses to nap. I was a ball of tension by the end of last week.

My child thrives on routine. T-H-R-I-V-E-S. I know, most kids do. Most humans, do, actually, we adults just like to think we're too free-spirited to benefit from a routine. We went back to the nighttime routine and he slept through the night two nights in a row. I'm talking 11 hours. Yes, we had to endure some sobbing from his room, but once the sobbing ceased, the tranquility that filled the house was priceless. It was a little bit like taking the parental reigns back from a 1-year-old. He awoke refreshed and the grumpy boy who has been skulking around the house is gone. Sleep can do wonders for a personality.

This morning he fell asleep in his crib for his first-ever independent nap. Here's our little routine, which we abbreviate for naps: Pajamas, diaper change, cuddle with Mommy or Daddy and the 3 B's (blanket, bottle, book). Listen to a story about love and peace, drink your warm milk, pray for the people we love. Get in the crib. Good night, love bug.

I have to admit, it is much easier to sit in the counseling room with a stressed-out parent and out-of-control teenager and teach the parent about consistency than it is to listen to my son cry while he learns to sooth himself. It is so much easier to make a behavioral plan than it is follow through with one. This is a good lesson in practicing what I preach and in empathizying. It is not easy to do the opposite of what your child wants. Actually, what's harder?

PS - I started another pregnancy blog. The link is on the sidebar.