There are so many babies and pregnancies around me. It's beautiful and exciting. Hopeful.

But it doesn't give me That Feeling. You know, the desire to make Maiya a big sister.

Yesterday I attempted to sell a truck load of baby stuff at a yard sale (it didn't sell, which I choose to believe is not a sign). More than a few people said, "but what about when you have another?" To be honest, those words make me feel a small amount of panic. I did not sleep through the night from some time during 2005 until some time during 2008. Actually, we're almost to 2010 and Maiya still often wakes for some middle-of-the-night quality time. In addition to the lack of sleep, these kids need a lot of pricey things like clothes, shoes, food, diapers and child care (which in our case, comes in the form of my unemployment) to keep them going. And let's talk about the time - it takes me months to get through books. I renew library books until I'm not allowed to any more. These kids have dramatically impacted pretty much every area of mine and Dave's life.

DO NOT get me wrong. I cannot overstate my sheer thankfulness that I was able to get pregnant and give birth to our children. I cannot overstate the amount of joy that their laughter, development and fat faces bring to me.

It might be that I so desperately want to do a good job that I can't imagine adding another infant to our mix at this point. I know my limits, and despite what I might hope you think of me, I am the opposite of super woman. (I know that we serve a super God, though, so should another one come, I'm sure He'd be happy to give us the grace we'd need.) I want to give H and M all of the one-to-one time they would like. I want them to be well-disciplined and confident. I'm sure I want all of the things any decent parent wants, I just so often feel like they're just barely getting those things now...

My need for more time might be less altruistic, though. It might just be that I'd like to look like a semblance of my pre-baby self at some point it time soon. Pregnancy and sleep deprivation were unkind to both my skin and my hair.

Anyway, back to Number Three. I imagine that Haven and Maiya's intensive newborn-baby-toddler stages will not last for the rest of my child bearing years (or so people who have made it through this phase have told me). I do hope that someday our family will grow. However, we'll be waiting until the sight of a new born baby doesn't fill me with the thought, "wow, that child is adorable, but better you than me."


ps - I say all of this and then I upload photos from Haven's (top) and Maiya's (bottom) babyhood. I forgot how cuddly they were...