Friday, January 16, 2015

Growing

This won't be long, but I want to put a bookmark in the now. I just realized Haven's size 6 pajamas are too small for him and that he will turn 8 in a couple of weeks. He finally, at long last, has a couple of loose teeth. But, you see, I just gave birth to him. He was just as tiny as my brand new nephew Judah, like, a minute or two ago.  I just made a few dinners, gave a few baths, decorated some Christmas trees and went on a couple of play dates and now he is no longer an infant but halfway through second grade. So I want to just grab him and kiss him and hold his hand in public until he absolutely will not go for it any longer.

Since we became a foster family our life has been a little dr-a-ma-tic. But I notice bio kids are really good at foster care. And not just my kids. Two of my friends are foster moms and their kids are pretty awesome foster siblings too. They are so literal and in the here-and-now that they can embrace their new buddies relatively easily.

I offer ginger conversations about the unknown part of our future as a family of 7. We could revert to a family of 5 at some point. Or not. We won't know until we know. "What if they stay? What do you think that will be like? What if they can't go home?" I pose these open questions hoping to keep the reality of foster care on my children's radars. They are so less swayed by feelings than me. After one litany of questions Maiya looked at me like I'm nuts and said, "If they can't go home we'll adopt them and they'll stay forever." Like it was just that simple. Like that involved nothing intense at all.

At this moment we are a family of 7 and I will make some more dinners, bathe some kids, and schedule some more play dates and look up and we might be a family of 5 again. Or a family of 8. Or some larger number I am not prepared to think about. Just the picture of us invites stares and questions. We have some questionable behavior in public. We see the absolute best and worsts parts of ourselves on a pretty much daily basis. We are always behind on laundry, but there is always somebody to play with. Hide and seek is way better than it used to be. We have a little girl who laughs so loud it sounds like an emergency. We have another little girl who chirps, "I love ya, Dave!" every time anyone but she is in trouble. We have children who are growing in awareness and stretching their little hearts into big, deep spaces.

Most days I look like Haven does in this picture. I'm kind of covered in the day. But he didn't go to bed looking like that and he didn't wake the next morning covered in finger paint. Because things change. We take baths. Holidays come and go. Children grow. Situations change.

So today I place a bookmark in the messy pages of our life. I will probably never again have three preschoolers (many days I promise myself I won't). But there won't be better Christmases than there are during these young-children years. Someday there won't be so many kisses on my face or little hands reaching out to "help" me in the kitchen. So I will embrace it for what it is, because in the fog of my rear view mirror I will someday only remember the cuddles and not the sleepless nights.