Losing

My husband loves sci-fi. So, the new season of Battlestar Galactica has begun. This is a show about humans who had to leave earth and have to survive in outer space. Their enemies are cylons and cylons looks just like humans. At the end of last season, a key character, Starbuck, died. This season, she's back. There are myriad details I am missing, because I consider Battlestar Galactica time to be my nap time.

From what I gather, Starbuck has possibly turned into a cylon. Or perhaps she has been one along. She's not sure and neither are the other humans. I always liked her character because she's fiesty and says frack a lot (which is a hilarious substitute for the real f-word). I keep thinking about how confused she must be. What would it be like to suddenly lose all that you believe you are?

What would that be like for me?

What would it mean for me to learn that what I live my life for - God - is a fabrication? What if suddenly I knew that God was not who I think he is or that he was not existant at all? Aside from the shock and confusion, my thoughts wandered to one key question:

What would I miss the most?

The knowledge that I am going to heaven after this life?

Somebody to pray to?

A church family?

The confidence that there is somebody bigger than I am out there?

An example of how to live?

I would miss my relationship with Jesus the most. I try to put this into words. I would not miss the religion of Christianity, the theology, even the history. I would miss my friend. When The Passion of the Christ came out, my sister refused to see it because she said she could not watch somebody she loves so much go through all of that. This is how I feel about Jesus, too. He's God, and strong, and the Creator of the world and the judge of my eternal destiny - and He is my closest friend.

He listens when I am confused. He is patient when I take forever to learn a lesson. He is kind when I'm not. He expects me to love him and care about what he cares about. I believe that my desire to do good and "follow rules" simply comes out of my desire to be a friend of God's. I do nice things for my friends because I care about them, not because I'm obligated to or scared.

Anyway, poor Starbuck. I don't want to imagine my life minus my lifeline. I can't look at it. It is too awful.