ramblings

Maiya is two weeks old today. Already?

So far my mom and two sisters have each visited for a few days, easing the transition from a family of three to a family of four. It was fun to see them care for Haven while I was suspended to the couch, nursing Maiya. I see traces of myself in each of them and I think Haven appreciated the familiarity. The amount of support we've had these past two weeks is astonishing. Meals, rides, diaper changes, cleaning and laundry were all part of the help. Though my recovery from the c-section has been swift, I cannot imagine having had all of those things to handle alone.

Haven's adjustment to Maiya has been relatively smooth. I could not tell what he was thinking until one morning, a few days ago, when he and I were the first ones awake. I got him out of his crib and he ran out to the living room and looked in Maiya's car seat and then in the bouncer and then up at me - confused. Yesterday, when I took a moment to check my email, I saw Haven traveling between his bedroom and the pack n' play - where Maiya napped - back and forth, back and forth. When I looked in the pack n' play, Maiya was surrounded by her socks. Haven can reach her sock drawer and must have thought either her feet were cold ... or she needed to keep her socks out of his room. Hope it was the former.

Maiya looks a lot like Dave's side of the family, I think. She has jet black hair and long fingers and toes. I think she especially looks like Dave's mom. What a beautiful girl, if I do say so myself. It's hard to describe how I feel about my little girl. I think so much about the things that we'll do in years to come, I imagine what it will be like for her to have me as a mother, I think of all of the things I hope that she finds in me. I think of the things that I want to help her to develop: a relationship with God, a good body image, confidence, how to pick friends, a sense of humor... She's lying in my lap nursing right now. Looking at a new baby is as close as we can get to a glimpse of the future.

So, I feel much more relaxed in the aftermath of this pregnancy than I did in that of Haven's. What I appreciate most is that I do not dread the night. I know what it will be. Long and relatively sleepless. But I also know that these sleepless nights are a temporary phase. Now, with two, the nights are my only alone time with my baby. I can stare at her endlessly without guilt that I might be neglecting Haven. I can hold her and change her and feed her and burp her with no interruptions. The nights are our special time.

Additionally, I am not as blindsided by the looks of my body after this second birth. Of course my arms are riddled with bruises and my abdomen is puffy and wounded and my eyes are dark with fatigue. Of course. But it is temporary (except, maybe, the puffy abdomen). Maiya will not always weigh less than 7 pounds. She will not always nurse 4 times a night. She will not always nurse. I am going to enjoy this season. As I watch my 17-month-old son tear apart the house I nurse his sister, I am aware how quickly this infant stage passes. I just want to treasure it.

I realize this is not the attitude I may have tomorrow, or in an hour, or at 3:30 AM, but generally this is how I feel - all is good. This season is one to embrace.