Haven is a good sleeper, I think. It's getting him to sleep that is quite a bit of work. Well, for me it's as easy as lifting up my shirt, but when Dave wants to put him to bed he's in for a lot of bouncing, rocking, humming, singing, swinging or a combination thereof. Also, I have to face it; as cuddly and easy as it is, nursing Haven to sleep is not a realistic long-term bedtime routine.
In the most dire situation, there is always the no-fail go-for-a-drive bedtime routine. We have only used this once so far.I have one friend who let her kids cry it out around 7 months old. Since then, they've essentially put themselves to bed. I'd love for Haven to put himself to bed, but listening to him cry for several hours sounds torturous to me. To this, my friend said of course it is torturous, but ultimately worth it.
I have two friends who successfully used the Baby Wise method (this includes a relatively strict schedule for eating and sleeping from infancy). Initially I thought this was too structured a method for me, but I wish I were reaping its rewards now.
Currently, after our charade of putting Haven to bed when he seems ready some time between 7 and 10 PM, he sleeps until about 3:00 AM. He then cries and I bring him into our bed for the remainder of the night. I'm not complaining and neither is Dave, but sometime between now and when Haven is older we'd like him to go to sleep semi-independently and sleep through the night. The question is how to get from here to there.
I'd love to hear what other parents have found to work.
14 comments:
I don't know what to tell you. I used to have one of those Fischer Price aquariams and I would put it on just the wave sound and that worked for my kids. I am not one to ask because I was lucky and both my kids slept through the night at 2 months old. THAT IS RARE. Don't question your parenting skills. Some kids just take awhile before they develop their regular sleeping patterns. I know some parents lay down with their kids until they fall asleep but then as they get older, that will just be a pain. Be patient Jen, I know how frustrating this will be but just wait until its potty training time. I can't wait to hear your stories about that. Hang in there girl.
Jen, what goes around comes around. You NEVER went to sleep without a huge fight. Haven is easy compared to you.
The only thing that worked with you is the "let her cry it out" routine. Torture? yes but so is being tired all the time.
I may have mentioned it before, but I used Baby Wise with my two sons...and I credit my sanity and happiness as a mom of newborns to that book!!! Sleeping through the night at 2 months is a wonderful thing--and it's not pie in the sky--the method works.
However--and this is a big clarification--if it totally goes against your parenting style or convictions or whatever, then it's not for you. And I, for one, will not cast a stone at you for that!
For me personally, I knew that I would be a much better mom and wife (definitely a much better wife!) and person if I wasn't chronically sleep-deprived for months on end (and if I didn't have a child in bed between me and my husband!). :) Laying down beside my child to go to sleep...having him in the bed with us...playing endless "games" of manipulating my baby to sleep, breathlessly putting him in his crib, then tiptoeing out the door, praying with all the fervent devotion that I could muster that he would NOT wake up again--all of that was torture for me. In the end, I decided that the relatively few nights of crying it out (which were really hard, no need to gloss over that) were worth it in the end. "No discipline seems pleasant at the time..."
For me, it was really helpful to read the whole book, understand the philosophy, get a game plan and vision for what could be...and then START IN THE DAY. I knew I was much more rational, much less emotional during daylight hours than in the middle of the night. Listening to my son cry it out for his morning nap was much more manageable than at 3:00 am when it seemed like his 5 minutes of crying was lasting 5 hours.
For both my boys, it took (literally) only a few days of structuring their eating, playtime, and sleep before they got it. For me, that was a small price to pay for the weeks and months of enjoyment and pleasure that came as a result.
Sorry about this lengthy comment...I did not mean to preach about it. Like I said before, you've got to decide if it's right for you...and beneficial for your marriage. Different parents handle things different ways, and that's really OK. There's enough criticism thrown around at people who do things differently, and I don't mean to do that at all.
Anyway, "this too shall pass," and I hope you do find a solution soon. I take my hat off to you for being able to balance all that you do on less than a full-night's sleep. May it go well for you!!!
Thanks everyone! Keep it coming.
Hey my darling friend!
Each one of my girls has been different as infants. But NOW I can say that I put the girls down (especiallly the older two), walk out, and they just go to sleep. yay. But it was NOT NOT NOT always that way. So...just trust that it will be that way for you in the end.
so what did I do? UH? Not much, but I do have a few things I'd suggest. But the biggest thing is to NOT put myself or the baby on a strict timeline of expectation. B/c, for ME, inevitably frustration of a "missed goal" would happen.
I'm a BIG fan of white noise or music. As infants, two of my girls used soft music (I am currently using an instrumental on repeat). One daughter went straight to a wave/white noise maker (from Target). I crank that sucker up. And it's great b/c it's portable. So when you go away, he brings it with him.
Also...does he use a "Lovey" of some sort? If not, start giving him one. Like whenever he's upset and crying, snuggle him with a soft blanket on your shoulder. So he gets used to calming himself down using the blanket and not just YOU. (I think I remember you said he didn't like to suck on things, so it can take the place of a thumb or paci).
And if you are able, use a ritual. Every night start to tell him what's getting ready to happen. talk him through it. Like a bath. then do books. Then pjs. then lights out (my husband made this a ritual where my daughter would turn out the lights). ANYTHING to allow his body to start to program itself on "down" mode by himself. Keep everything low key.
If he does cry...he WILL Still love you in the morning. That always amazed me with my first born; she'd greet me with a huge smile. *thank God*
Give yourself some grace. DONT compare you or your child to anyone elses. It's a death trap. And just trust that Haven knows you love him. You've spent many months building that foundation. He won't "forget" that if you have to start drawing some stricter boundaries with him.
boundaries are good. boundaries are good. Just keep saying this over and over. hee hee
OH. and I had to "work up" to letting my children cry. FOR MY SAKE. I couldn't just start out by letting them cry for an hour. I'd do 5 minutes one day. Until I was good with that. and then 10..and so forth. I had to train ME. :)
sorry for the book. HUGS to you.
Ok, so I'm not really the one to be dishing out sleep advice. Out of my 3 I have 1 good sleeper and I'm thinking he was just born that way. We did let him cry - he cried for 5 minutes. I was like "wow, why didn't I do this earlier?!" My other 2 weren't so easy. My oldest cried for close to 2 hours and I just couldn't stand it anymore. My youngest (soon to be 1) just cries and cries. So, that method won't work for her (or is it me?) either. :) I do however recommend a wonderful book called
The Sleepeasy Solution: The Exhausted Parent's Guide to Getting Your Child to Sleep- from Birth to Age 5
It gives you a specific plan to follow, how to wean night feedings, how to make it through the first days of "sleep training". I bought my copy from half.com for .97!
That said, Haven will eventually sleep on his own. If you are fine with him sleeping in bed with you, no worries. He won't want to be there when he's 10. Really. You have to make the choices that are right for you and your family. That will be different for everyone.
Good luck!
Let us know how everything goes :)
By the way, this is Valerie... your long lost YWAM friend. :)
nickernoodle - i can only imagine potty training!
dad - haven is a MUCH easier baby than i think i was. cuter too. (:
davene - i like the idea of letting him cry before nap time first, that sounds much easier than at 10:30 pm when i want to go to bed myself.
christin - i was thinking i might start trying to give him a little comfort item now so that when it comes times to fall asleep alone he can have that with him.
hi valerie!! i read your blog sometimes. ;) it's good to know someone else is struggling in the sleep dept. haha. the book sounds great!
THANKS everyone!
OK, so I am a little slow on getting to the advice. And really I don't have much. Just stories to let you know you are not alone. Our 2 oldest (both boys!) were horrible sleepers, we literally brought them to bed with us until they fell asleep and then transferrred them to their own beds. They were 4 and 2.5 years old!!! That was our routine until last October right before our baby girl was born! Ryan finally told me enough is enough. He was determined to get them to fall asleep in their own beds and stay there all night.
I was very frustrated with our sleeping arrangements, most nights ended up with them both in our bed with us before morning. (My fault as I always brought them to bed when I nursed them as infants) I was also nearing 9 months pregnant and ready to pop, and I really didn't care at that point WHERE they were as long as they were sleeping. Luckily my husband had his head on a little better than me. He resloved to get them both sleeping in their own beds. HA! I laughed, silly man! I assumed we were doomed to having them this way for another 3 years or so. We have a king sized bed, those are made for a family of 5 right?! Hee Hee. Anyway, after about a week of torturous nights, and bribery in the form of superhero bedding, they started falling asleep in their own beds. I was shocked! I never thought we would ever go to bed alone again. It's amazing we managed to get pregnant with our 3rd with those 2 around!
Caiyah has been all together different. She is not as attatched to my chest as the boys were, she loves to nurse but once she is full that is enough. The boys would suck all night long!!!! Like I was a giant pacifier. UGH!! Cooper weaned himself at about 13 months. I nursed Camden to sleep until he was 17 months old. Then I decided that was enough and cut him off cold turkey. I replaced me, with a glass of milk and it took him 2 nights of screaming to realize the fun was over. He got used to the sippy of milk and gave up. Caiyah is 10.5 months old. I wonder how long she will last. Right now I nurse her to sleep too, but I have learned not to do it in my bed, or they feel like that is where they should sleep. Instead I usually nurse her in front of the computer, I catch up on my e-mail and she falls asleep. Then I put her in bed. She makes it until about 5am and then wakes up and cries out, then I can nurse her back to sleep again! Yeah for that!
Anyway, I don't really know if I gave any advice but you should know you are not alone. People who say their children sleep well are LYING! Ha! Just kidding.
~Sweet dreams~
Sylvia
crying babies are the worst! that said, we are currently letting the twins cry it out. they are fortunately good at going to sleep initially, but they think that after an hour or so, nap time is over, and they should be allowed up to play at 2am, or whenever! then screaming ensues. for 30 mins to an hour... it's horrible.
we are trying to use "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" as our sleep bible, and it's very interesting. I also like that it offers different options based on what your parenting style is, and does not condemn any personal style of sleeping, whether you want the baby in bed with you all night, or not at all. the theory is the better their naps are, the better their night sleeping is, and vice versa.
we were doing well until we went on vacation and stayed with friends... we couldn't let them scream in the middle of the night, so they got spoiled again, so it's back to baby boot camp. it does suck to hear them screaming, it rips my heart out, but it does get better pretty quickly. it is definitely best to start getting him used to putting himself to sleep for naps, because you can really stick to your guns when awake and rational.
for me, having a book, any book that works is great, because it lays down a strategy, and i need rules to follow. otherwise, i just want to cuddle my babies and make them happy! good luck jen! the routine thing really helps, too, from what i hear... it's hard for me with twins because starting with a bath, and then working through pj's, books, massage, whatever, is just chaos with us, and not very soothing. but we do read and pray and go to sleep the same way each night with them....
anyway, good luck again, and i'll pray for you and dave and haven!
This cracks me up! I feel like we're having a ywam reunion right here on Jen's site. :) Thanks, Jen! ...and I think you figured out how to get lots and lots of comments. Just act desparate and ask for help. Suddenly we all put our SuperHero capes on, crack our knuckles, and get to writing. ;)
Keep us updated on how Haven's doing. xo
After returning to your blog JUST to read your comments on this post, I wonder who's taking more notes on this one, me or you? :) Thanks for asking such a wonderful question.
Wow! I had no idea, Emily and Syliva, that either of you ever read my blog. That's fun!
Thanks for the great suggestions everyone!! I'll keep you posted.
I'm on team Christin with this one! (team Dad, too, but you already knew that) Christin's advice, in my opinion, is totally excellent!
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